Saturday, June 21, 2014

Top Ten: Netflix Lingo.

Laura Prepon as Alex in Orange Is the New Black season two character poster

I've always taken great pride in the fact that I don't watch much television. People would ask me how I ever find time to blog and write and I'd feel the corners of my mouth turning upward in a smug-ish smile. "I don't watch much television," I'd say. "I write when most people are watching TV." Yes. That's what I used to be able to say.

It wasn't because I wasn't interested. I can say that I've always been interested enough to watch a lot of things, but never found myself so connected to anything that I just had to see it. And so. I decided that I'd just nix most of it altogether. Unless, of course, it was something excellent. 

"Excellent" was usually those shows that I'd honor through my DVR menu. After a while, they'd all back up in my queue so badly that I'd get that message telling me that the memory was nearly full. Catching up would takes days, so I'd scrap it. Even if it was excellent. Who had time to be held captive on the couch for that many hours? Not me.

Yes. That was before. Before I could take my excellent shows with me into the hair salon or a doctor's appointment. Before I could huddle under my down comforter with an iPad mini when I should-should-should totally-totally-totally be fast asleep. Yes. That was before freakin' Netflix. 

I was late to the Netflix game. I'd made up my mind that I didn't want to see anything bad enough to pay for a web-based subscription along with my already oppressively expensive cable. But then, one day, my brother gave me my first hit. 

"You've got to watch this show," he told me. "It's so well done--I know you'll love it." 

He was talking about Downton Abbey. This show about these hoity-toity English folks set around early 1900's. He told me it was on Netflix and HULU+ which, I guess, I was supposed to immediately clap my hands and celebrate. "Dude. I don't have Netflix. And I don't even know what the hell HULU+ is."

He gasped and then fainted. 

After he woke up, he let me watch my first ever episode of Downton Abbey using his subscription. Which was probably illegal, but seeing as I now have my own, I feel like I can say it. And so. I watched Downton Abbey and got hooked. So hooked that I would scour the net looking for episodes aired in Europe already that hadn't made it to the US yet (which I may or may not have found.) But that was mostly it.

But then something else happened. The people at Netflix had this bright idea to start making their own programming. Shows--excellent shows--that could only be viewed on Netflix. And since I had my own subscription, I decided to give a couple of the critically acclaimed shows a try. And, since I'd be using it, check out a few older series that everyone seemed to be flipping out about or that I'd lost in the DVR abyss.


I've been taken down by the Netflix beast. Wrangled by these addictive dramas and put under the spell of that little sideways triangle that beckons me at 1am to watch "just one more" episode. Or worse, not fight it when it just comes on without me asking for it. 

And so. Since I just finished up Season Two of Orange is the New Black--or as the Netflix savvy say it "OITNB"--I've been thinking a lot about the tablet-crack that the world affectionately refers to as Netflix. Matter of fact, I even wrote a little top ten about it!

Today I bring you:


Like to hear it? Here it go.


NETFOLX: (n.)  People that watch your favorite shows on Netflix and who can have reasonable conversations about the characters, the storylines, and when the next season might be coming out.

Case in point:

What a HUGE rush it was to call Will last night to hash out all of the details of the OMG finale of OITNB! So much better than Twitter. He is totally my Netfolx.


NETFLAK: (n.)  The junk that your significant other or family members talk when they catch you bingeing in the bed, the bathroom, and in the car on a show with five seasons. You know, the show that you vowed to catch up on in time to watch the series finale with all of your friends.


(n.)  The roller coaster emotions that you feel about each show you're watching. One minute you can't stop watching it, the next, you could care less. 

(v.) The act of dumping a series for another or forgetting about it altogether because something you like better is on--but then returning to it and not knowing what's going on so being forced to go back to the start of the season.


NETCLIX:  (n.) When Netfolx get together and talk about shows that other people haven't heard of or ever watched. Especially when they talk about characters from shows like they know them personally.

Me:  I didn't know Poussey spoke German. That was a surprise.

Netfolx #1:  Yeah, that was a trip. Man, I have not idea what Daya is going to do about that baby.

Me:  I'm saying!

Netfolx #2:  It's so lose-lose, man. Daya and Stumpy are screwed, man.

Outsider:  What in the HELL are you guys talking about?

Us: *eyeroll*


NETFOG: (n.)  The hangover you have at work the day after you stayed up waaaaay too late watching two more episodes of that show. . . . instead of going to sleep.


NETFUX: (n.)  
1. What you DON'T give when someone gives you Netflak about watching too much Netflix. Even when it means resorting to your iPhone plus your reading glasses once your iPad battery dies. Or the dirty stares you get when watching television with your headphones in a coffee shop or restaurant.
2.  When you realize that the CURRENT season of whatever show you are watching isn't on Netflix yet. Which forces you to either buy it on freakin' Amazon Prime or HULU+. Or even worse--watch it on your regular television. Noooooooo!
3. What you say when you start a series and discover that it has 6 seasons with 18 episodes per season. And you have a deadline at work. But you have already taken a net-hit so you can't stop watching. Best when said quickly in a succession of three. (This is what happened to me when I started watching "Parenthood.")


NETFAKES: (n.) The stuff you have to watch on the airplane because the crappy "gogo" wifi won't allow for streaming of Netflix! Maaaaaan, please. Also see #5, which is what you say when you figure this out.


NETFINX: (n.)  People who get on social media and spoil the ending of whatever series you're on because they watched the whole season already. Or who can never admit to any show being all that good. "House of Cards? It's aiight."

Also known as NETSNITCH.


NETFUNK: (n.)  The emotion you feel after finishing the finale of your latest favorite series. Which comes right before starting your next favorite series recommended to you by your netfolx in your netclix.


NETFIX: (n.)  The great, great, great euphoria you feel after breaking into the wifi whose signal you picked up from the place next-to-the-place where you happen to be. . . .and FINALLY getting to watch just one more episode. Okay, two. (Especially if it happens right after getting off of a plane with the crappy "gogo" wifi.)

Bonus term:

NETBINGE:  (n.) or (v.) The act of not giving a netfux about anything you have to do and just watching as much Netflix as you can. Must involve neglecting housework and not shaving legs. Oh, and for severe cases it may or may not involve going from device to device. If a smart phone is involved, it is considered a medical emergency and grounds for an intervention.

That's all I got today. What ridiculousness are you guys up to?

Happy Saturday. And remember--all it takes is one hit.

Just finished my net-binge on this season. And OMG was it worth every bit of netflak I got for it. Even if it has left me in a horrible netfunk. :(


  1. I'm watching OITNB now!!!! I love your top ten. So smart and on point! Welcome to the joint.

    1. Ha! Thanks, sister. I am so afraid to dip my toe into House of Cards. I know I'm going to love it because I love Kevin Spacey. But it's calling my name. . . .

  2. I love love love netflix! Have you watched Friday Night Lights? Its an oldie but a goodie. I definitely spent many a night watching just one more episode of that and being in net funk or net fugue state the next day...

    1. Meredith, my little sister SWEARS by Friday Night Lights! She has insisted that I check it out, especially since I love the lady on Nashville who apparently was on that, too. And NETFUGUE. . .ha ha ha ha ha . . .I need to add that to the list!

  3. That list is AWESOME. Especially the Top 5. Try Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch if you haven't seen it yet. Brilliant.

    1. Michelle! I've missed you! And you just KNOW I love the idea of some good British shenanigans. And an endorsement of "brilliant" (which I assume is pronounced as British as possible) makes it a slam dunk. I'm in.

      Wait. How many seasons are we talking about? I got some deadlines coming up. Ha ha ha

  4. I have to confess that I yelled (really) "YES"! and did a fist pump at the end of the last episode of season 2 of OITNB. omg. Dying for season 3 now. Highly recommend "The Bogias" - you will totally get sucked into this one. Great acting and the male eye candy is to die for :-)

    1. Fist pump--YES. And The Bogias? Never heard of it but now I want to see it. How many seasons? This is now my very important question I must ask before taking my first hit.

  5. omg. Last episode of season 2 of OITNB! Literally screamed "YES" and jumped off the couch! Highly recommend "The Borgias" on Netflix. Gorgeous actors (especially the men) and wonderful acting.

    1. Oh--forgot to say this. Harry walked in from work literally as I was watching the last fifteen minutes of the Season 2 finale of OITNB. I mumbled a hello and didn't even look in his direction. He was FURIOUS and gave me mad NETFLAK about it. But I was so wrapped up in that last episode that I didn't give a. . . well, you know. ;)

  6. This is absolutely hilarious! I may or may not have watched 10 episodes of season 1 and 7 episodes of season 2 of OITNB in the past 2 weeks... And I may or may not watch one more episode before I go to sleep tonight...


    1. Biz, this puts you at very high risk of a netfog--or as Meredith so aptly called it "netfugue." Now the real question is whether or not Joe has given you any netflak about it? You're a real goner if you watched two episodes last night and didn't give a netfux about what he'd say or how crappy you'd feel today. Ha!

  7. This list is cracking me up!! I watched Season 2 of OINTB waaaay too fast. I should have rationed it :(

    House of Cards is a must.

  8. In # 3 of #5, you mention "net-hit" but don't define it. Yeah, I'm not anybody's "netfolx," but Amazon Prime does tempt me sometimes, with its promise of free shipping (I'm a sucker for add-on value).

    1. Ha ha ha. . .I though the nethit spoke for itself. That's the first time you watch and episode of a good series and get hooked. Usually used in the same breath as referring to Netflix as tablet crack. P.S. Amazon Prime can also suck you in -- especially when Netflix is behind one season. Just a warning.

  9. I can't do the Netflex streaming because I don't have high speed internet...though I pay for it..I don't have it! Anyway, try Sons of Anarchy....I'm (im)patiently waiting for Season six to come out on dvd. My nephew recommended to me and I read about it and thought.."What in the world would make him think I would like this"?....but I LOVED it and definitely binged! Then I told my niece about it but wasn't sure she would like it because she is a gentle soul but she binged and watch FIVE seasons in one weekend!..ha!

  10. Another good one is Homeland....and only two seasons so far!...ha!


"Tell me something good. . . tell me that you like it, yeah." ~ Chaka Khan

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