|The new pose I get on pictures.|
What can I say? It's been a busy week. So busy that I have no good excuse for not posting the Thursday top ten. So. . .um. . . yeah. I won't give you one.
Anyways. Now that more than just my mama actually reads this blog, I feel the need to hold up my end of the deal. Therefore, here's what I have for you this week for the top ten:
The TOP TEN random things, thoughts and observations that amused me this week
#10 - Lolly, lolly, lolly get your adverbs here. . . .
What is it with four and a half year-old kids and their adverbs? Dude. Zachary is totally on an adverb kick and it's hilarious. Every single sentence includes one. Case in point:
"Hey, Zach-Attack. . . .your waffles are ready."
"Well, actually Mommy, I don't like waffles anymore."
"Is that right?"
"Well. . .usually, I liked them but actually, I don't really care for them anymore."
"Oh yeah? Well allegedly you ate them yesterday like nobody's business. I actually saw you."
#9 - A newer version is available for download. . .
My forty year old husband refers to bodily excrement as "boo-boo." No. I am not kidding. He says "boo-boo." Which I think as two parts hilarious and two parts embarrassing.
"Ugggh. Do you smell that?"
"Something smells like boo-boo."
"Wait. Did you just say 'boo-boo?"
Opens bathroom door. "Ugggh! Found it. One of your sons boo-boo-ed in here and didn't flush the toilet. Ever since you told them to 'let yellow mellow and to flush brown down' they've let everything mellow."
"Wait. Did you just say 'boo-boo?'"
#8 - Craz-eeeeeehhhhhh.
Zachary has taken to singing Cee-Lo Green and Gnarls Barkley's hit "Crazy" all day every day. No. I mean like all day. Every day. Like the whole day.
Oh, did I mention that my sister got to meet and hang out with Cee Lo this week? Oh. She did. And yes, her Los Angeles life is as cool as it sounds.
Anyways. Back to Zach and his rendition of "Crazy." It's pretty damn funny. His face is so serious, too, when he sings it. The best part is when he says "Ha! Ha! Bless your soooooul! Ya really think you're in control?" Dude. Hee-larious.
He sings the up tempo version. . . .but I kind of dig this version, too:
Oh well. At least this got him off of his Justin Bieber kick.
#7 - Alvin, Simon and Theodore.
The Squeak-uel is back again.
Remember the chipmunks who kept sneaking in my garage in the winter? Turns out they don't like being hot in the summer either. Oh, and they still look very rat-like. Especially when you are going to exercise early in the morning.
#6 - Hammer time.
I went to get a pedicure the other day. Okay, I admit that while my toes are fairly feminine and decent, the soles . . . uhhhh. . .let's just say I won't be asked to do any foot commercials. Anyways. I always assume that there is some hard core mess-talking going on in another language about these rough feet of mine. They lift my foot, pause for effect and then explode into what I think would be interpreted as this:
(My guess of what is being said about my feet:)
"Damn! Here she comes with those hard ass feet again. Can we switch clients. . .pleeeeaaase?"
"She doesn't even seem like she'd have these cat-pads underneath her feet. So stylish, too. That's a shame!"
"A disgrace! She said she wears high heels. Like she is the only one who wears high heels?"
(Asks me a question--"Do you want your toenail cut down today?"-- and then goes back to conversation.)
"And would you believe her cheap ass doesn't even want me to do the callous removal today? No wonder she looks like a cavewoman."
#5 - Found in Translation.
"Excuse me, ma'am. Are you talking about me in Vietnamese?"
"What you say?"
"I asked what you were talking to your friend about. My feet? Just curious."
She looked at me like "you paranoid crazy high-heeled cavewoman!" and then went there. "I look at you and say to my friend, 'She look too nice to have feet li' this one.'" She wrinkled her nose for emphasis.
#4 - Running mate.
On Saturday, I went for (what I will refer to as) a run. As I prepared to leave, Zachary announced that he would be joining me. I let him know that I wasn't going with the jog stroller and that I was going alone. "I know, Mommy," he said, "We're getting our exercise."
Damn. My kid was showing interest in exercise for the sake of exercise. How could I turn him down?
Seriously? Zachary on "a run" with me? Cutest thing ever. Picture it: A four year old next to me stretching (and he was serious, do you hear me?) and then next to me running. He would have run further than me if he hadn't been sprinting to exhaustion.
Turns out that four year-olds have two speeds: As-fast-as-I-can-possibly-run alternated with sitting criss-cross applesauce in the middle of the sidewalk refusing to move.
Some people call that "intervals." I'm just sayin'.
#3 - Mob Mentality.
Oh my goodness. I am embarrassed to admit that this show called "Mob Wives" has become my new guilty pleasure. Why do I watch it? Blame my reality-TV loving husband who watches everything from "The Swampers" to the "Pawn Stars" to "American Pickers." Somewhere in the midst of all of those shows, I watched an episode of "Mob Wives" with him. (We won't even get started on that show about the Irish Travellers. Lawwwwd.)
Don't tell anybody I watch Mob Wives, okay? YEAH. 'Cause nothin' is woise than bein' A LOW-LIFE SNITCH, capisce?
#2 - Generation WHY.
"Dr. Manning, this patient has . . . uh. . .I don't even know how to explain it."
"His. . . penis. It's. . . .very abnormal."
"Like an infection or something?"
"Uhhh. . . . I wouldn't say that. It's . . . I don't even know how to describe it. . . .like it's . . .deformed. . . I don't know."
"Is that why he's here?"
"No. He's here for a refill of Viagra."
Saw the patient and his "deformed" anatomy. And now for the teachable moment. . . wait for it. . .wait for it. . . .
"Okay. . . .this is what they call an 'uncircumcised' penis."
They still make those, you know.
Um. . .yeah.
#1 - A guy thing.
At Outback Steakhouse on Thursday:
"Mom, I need to go to the rest-a-room."
"Okay, Isaiah." (speaking to Harry and Zachary) "Be right back."
Isaiah heads toward Men's bathroom.
"Bud, I need you to come in here with mommy."
"No, Mom. I need to use the original and the girls don't have that in their rest-a-room."
"Yeah, Mom. It's where boys stand up and pee."
"Uuuhh, do you mean a urinal?"
"Can I go in by myself?"
Pouts as we go into the women's bathroom. With folded arms dragging feet behind me.
"Now what, Isaiah?"
"Something smells like. . .(fans his nose) . . .something in here actually smells like boo-boo."