Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Top Ten: Automatic entry.

"Wait, you did what? Oh Lord. Go on in, baby."

The following people, regardless of what they believe and what they have or haven't done, will get an automatic pass into heaven.
  1. Social Workers at Grady Hospital. Or any public hospital. Because it is some social stuff going down for real in these places. And the social workers are magicians.
  2. Any faculty member who teaches medical students statistics, epidemiology or evidence-based medicine. Because it is 100% painful. Wait. Maybe I'm just the one who finds it painful. Hmmm.
  3. Nurses and nurses aids. Particularly those who are involved in changing diapers of grown people. Because there is something about "grown people diapers" that are on a whole 'nother level.
  4. That cafeteria lady from the elevator that day. 
  5. The decubitus ulcer (bed sore) team. They literally walk around the hospital and make sure that bed sores are okay. All. Day. Long. Oh yeah. I forgot they have one other duty--they look at colostomy bag sites, too.You heard me. Colostomy bags.
  6. Anyone who does anything related to Psychiatry.  Especially Psych ER triage nurses and physicians.
  7. Security officers in the Grady ER. Okay. So somebody is going off on somebody. And that somebody has been working at Grady forever and can usually hold their own. But when they can't, somebody calls Security. Which means they get to deal with the most off-the-chain-est of them all. Automatic pass.
  8. Urologists who work in public hospitals. Not the private practice ones. But the ones that called in to place Foley catheters in uncircumcised males who haven't performed any form of personal hygiene for greater than or equal to six months. (Sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little bit.)
  9. Grady ER Triage nurses. Can you just imagine the stuff they get shown? As the Grady elders say, "Lawd, t'day!"
  10. All podiatrists. Private practice included. Because feet in the hospital, for the most part, are really gross. Particularly feet that are in need of a podiatrist. So them? Whew--they all get an automatic pass. Especially the ones responsible for those really, really thick long curling yellow fungus-infected toenails. Eeewww.

*Speed Pass/VIP entry*


Standardized physical exam patients. No, not all of them. Specifically those who allow medical students to learn how to do pelvic exams or rectal exams on them. Oy!

41 pelvic examinations + 82 hands that have never held a vaginal speculum let alone used one + 0 medical need for any of it + all in 1 day  =  VIP entry into heaven. This includes a velvet couch, a Turkish robe and flat screen televisions everywhere you can turn your head. Because you earned it.


This? Now this is a whole different kind of altruism. Other than explaining to St. Peter how in the world you decided that you would do this, you get a speed pass. A VIP ultra-speed pass. Because one pelvic every three years pretty much sucks. But 41 pelvics in one day?  41?


(That was me fainting.)

Happy Wednesday

P.S. My ever-insightful blog-friend-slash-fellow-medicine nerd Dr. Tony B. at Everythinghealth reminded me of another good one in her comment--the environmental services/housekeepers in the hospital. OM-expletive-G. Please--add them to the SPEED PASS line. For real.


  1. Wish I could meet some of those Grady "automatic pass" folks. And you are so right about the volunteer patients for teaching. I would also add the housekeeping staff (at any hospital). They are silent, hard working and almost invisible and without them...well we wouldn't be able to function.

  2. Oh, you had me with #8, but then the pelvic exams? Holy moley!!!

  3. I agree. Straight to heaven. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

    Love you, doc.


  4. And you know the housekeeping staff sometimes know the REAL scoop on the patients. Just ask them, they will tell you. Patients tell them stuff they never tell us!

  5. omg this post had me laughing so hard i started wheezing! haha I am pretty horrified at the standardized physical exam patients thing.... did not even realize that EXISTED. phew speed pass with a mansion of gold fo sho!!


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