|Just a few of the many regulars from the Hair Salon peanut gallery. . . .|
Well. It's been a minute since I've taken y'all with me to the hair salon hasn't it? I believe it has. Lucky for you, I was there today and man, oh man. I don't even know where to start.
The girls were really cutting up today. And I can't tell you everything that was going on up in there but I do think I can tell you some of it. Matter of fact, I wrote a little top ten about it. Like to hear it? Here it go!
I bring you:
THE TOP TEN EXTREMELY RANDOM TOPICS OF CONVERSATION THAT I EITHER OVERHEARD OR PARTICIPATED IN WHILE SITTING IN THE HAIR SALON TODAY.
#10 Lando Cal-DISS-ian
Woman under dryer: "Dude. Have you seen Billy Dee on Dancing With the Stars?"
Me: "Shut up. Billy Dee Williams is NOT even on Dancing with the Stars."
Two stylists and woman under dryer: "Yeah, he is!"
Woman under dryer: "When I tell you he is a stiff, hot mess? Lawd."
Me: "Nooooo! Not Billy Dee! Noooo!"
Woman under dryer: "That hurt my heart to see the Mahogany mack daddy go out like that. The whole time I was covering my eyes saying, 'No, no, don't do it. . .don't do it, Billy Dee!'"
Me: "Dang. He was Lando Calrissian from The Empire Strikes Back, y'all! Lando was THAT DUDE."
Stylist: "Lando seemed more like an arthritic Storm Trooper than THAT DUDE."
#9 Billy Dee Fail-liams
*Everyone crowded around a YouTube clip of Billy Dee's performance*
Lady in chair: "Y'all leave Billy Dee alone. You know he had two hip replacements!"
Stylist: "When? Before or after the show?"
Lady in chair: "Oooooh, y'all are wrong for that."
#8 Law and Order
Stylist: (dusts off client and gestures to the next person up to sit down.) "Come on, girl."
Lady sitting on couch: "I'm on a time crunch. Can you let her just curl me real quick so that I can get going?"
Lady up next: "What, you mean so that you can get on out and not get stuck in traffic?"
Lady sitting on couch: "Uuhhh, actually, yeah."
Lady up next: "Oh, well in that case, sure, girl. Go right on ahead!"
Lady sitting on couch (leaps up with big grin on her face): "Oooooh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Lady up next (runs and jumps in chair ahead of her): "April Fools!"
Lady sitting on couch: "Maaaaaan! That's just mean. And April Fool's Day is April FIRST not April SECOND."
Lady up next: "Unless you fool enough to think you 'bout to jump ahead of me in this salon. Then it's every day."
#7 How I Met Your Mother
Stylist: "Who saw the finale of How I Met Your Mother?"
Me: "I have a confession."
Me: "I sort of don't fully understand the premise behind the show. Like, I'm serious. Like I watch it and I laugh. But I'm always secretly a little bit confused."
Lady under dryer: "Uhhhh, well let's see. The whole show is about a man telling a story to his kids about how he met their mother. So all of the story and people are a part of that tale. And the whole show is him explaining all that led up to him meeting their mother."
Me: "Oh. Okay then. That's super witty."
Lady under dryer: *sigh*
Stylist: "So did you see the finale?"
Me: "No. But I'm assuming he met their mother at the end, right?"
Lady under dryer: (rolling eyes) "SPOILER ALERT."
#6 "Do it for the Vine!"
Stylist: "You're all done."
Client-finishing-up: "Damn. I look too good to be just going to the grocery store."
Me: "I know right?"
Client-finishing-up: (starts putting on lipstick and admiring herself in the mirror)
Me: "Girl! Do it for the Vine!"
Client-finishing-up: "I ain't gon' do it!"
Me and stylist: "Do it for the Vine!"
Client-finishing-up: "I ain't gon' do it!"
*every person in earshot sitting in the salon begins beating on their seats in unison*
Everyone: "DO IT FOR THE VINE!"
*hysterical laughter as Client-finishing-up does the breakdown moves exactly like that adorable little girl in that viral 6 second Vine video.*
Exactly, y'all. It was awesome.
#5 En Vogue?
Woman in chair: (holds up magazine and points at the picture shown above) "Just why? Why Madonna? Damn."
Me: "You know she lives in England or someplace in Europe. Plus y'all know Madonna is a free spirit."
Other sylist: "Well. That 'free spirit' had better shave before she starts doing the Vogue. Hell, at this rate she's liable to strike a pose and scare the shit out of somebody."
#4 Even more on Billy Dee
Woman under dryer: "Damn. I wonder how Billy Dee Williams' agent pitched the Colt 45 endorsement to him. Was he like, "Billy, Billy, Billy. . . .I've got an exciting opportunity for you, buddy!"
Me: "Ha ha ha . . .I know right?"
Woman under dryer: "It's a premium beer! Your classiness will be perfect for it, Billy! Just peerrrrrr-fect."
Me: "That's hilarious, actually."
Woman under dryer: "And by hilarious you mean not hilarious at all. From movie screens to malt liquor ads. Damn, Lando. It's like that?"
Me: "Hey. Don't let the smooth taste fool you!"
Client in chair: "That wasn't the Colt 45 tag line that was the one for King Cobra."
Woman under dryer: "I take that back. You knowing the difference between the Colt 45 commercial and the King Cobra commercial is what's not hilarious. Good Lord."
Client in chair: (singing it EXACTLY like Evelyn Champagne King on that commercial) "Doooooon't let the smoooth taste foooool yuhhh! King Cobra!"
*OMG . . .Deanna would have found that exchange HILARIOUS--no matter what. Ha ha ha!
#3 Keeping it a lit-tle too real.
Client: "I kind of feel like this dress makes my stomach look fat."
Other client: "I can see how you'd say that."
Client: "Damn. That was where you were supposed to say, 'OMG, no way!'"
Other client: "Whoops my bad."
#2 Scandal-us (and them, too)
Lady on couch: "Girl. My husband is hooked on Scandal!"
Stylist: "Lots of dudes watch that show."
Lady on couch: "Yeah, but the other day he started talking like Olivia's evil ass daddy. Like seriously. I was all in my head like, 'Dude. Cut. it. Out.'"
Lady on couch: "Asking me to get his dry cleaning like, 'You. Are. My. Wife. You need to GET the DRY CLEANERS.'"
Me: "Was he joking?"
Lady on couch: "See that's the crazy part. He wasn't. And I kind of think he doesn't even realize he's doing it."
Me: "Aww damn. He might be at work doing it."
Lady on couch: "Oh snap! Let me call his ass before he get's fired."
(Here's some EPIC Eli Pope for those that don't watch the show. This guy right here? My favorite character on the show.)
#1 DWTS. Again.
Lady in chair: "Awwww hells no." (looking at a YouTube clip on her iPad)
Lady in chair: "Why Billy Dee Williams got to bring out R2D2? And the Storm Troopers?"
Us (gathering around): "Lawd."
Stylist: "Poor Billy Dee. He looks like he is praying that he don't have to pull out his inhaler."
Lady in chair: "Don't people have to audition? This is just sad."
Me: "But it's Billy Dee!"
*everyone watching in silence and wincing with each twirl*
Client just hanging out: "Oh, how the mighty have fallen."
Lady in chair: "Eek eek eek. . . . nuh nuh. . nooooo. . .awww damn, Billy Dee!"
Me: "Oooph. That is pretty rough."
Lady under dryer: "I bet the same person who thought it would be good for him to do the King Cobra commercial amped him up to dance on national television."
Me: "Colt 45 you mean."
Lady under dryer: "Forgive me for not being up on my malt liquor endorsements."
Stylist: (shaking head with a hot curler in her hand) "Damn. When somebody told him to 'Do it for the Vine' he really should have said 'I ain't gon' do it.' And like meant it."
Poor Billy Dee. No man or woman is safe in the Hair Salon, y'all. Even if he had both of his hips replaced and used to be a Star Wars action hero.
I'm just sayin'.
Happy HumpDAY! I think I'm going to spend all of Thursday talking like Eli Pope. Just a warning.