Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mostly beautiful.

Mama I just want you to know 
Lovin' you is like food to my soul 

~ Boys II Men


You do know that I know right? I mean, you do realize that I could feel you thinking of her and wondering how this day was, don't you? Like in between the hugs and joy of your own, I could feel your fleeting thoughts about how a day like this plays out for a mother who has lost her child.

I know.

And since I know that you were thinking and praying and wondering and hoping, I want to first say thank you for that. Then I want you to know that the day was mostly beautiful. I can't call it "perfect" because, although the weather here was just that, there will never be a Mother's Day that we describe with that word as long as Deanna isn't here with us physically. But we can call it things like "wonderful" and "loving" and "genuine." And all of those are mostly beautiful adjectives if you ask me.

We all loved on Shug. We sure did. JoLai had flown in from L.A. and we all surrounded her with so much love that she couldn't help but to feel it. And yes, we did that in the literal sense, but I know for certain that many of you surrounded her, too.

And those grandkids. Oh, those grandkids! They knew what to do. They did. And they did it. They sure did. Better than any of us could.

At one point, Mom asked us to take a photograph on the porch. "Me and my kids," she said. And up until then, it had all been mostly beautiful. Everyone was mostly laughing and joking and drinking mimosas. That is, the adults were. I admit that when Shug made that request, it didn't fully register for me until we went into the house trying to grab Will to step out on the porch to join us.

First, he kind of waved his hand as if he was't in the mood for more photographs. And, like Shug does when it comes to her family photo ops, she wasn't taking no for an answer. "Get him out here," she said. And at that point, it was mostly playful. And things were still mostly beautiful.

Will came to the door and the moment I saw his eyes I knew. I knew it was too much, too soon for him. And, in case I needed confirmation, he whispered it to JoLai and me.

"I'm just not ready to do this without Deanna. I'm not."

And I looked at Mom and said, "Hey, let's do it later, okay?" But she just looked at me and didn't say anything. Then, before anyone could say or do anything else, Will reemerged out of the front door. He had changed shirts and simply said, "If this is what Mommy wants, I can do it."

Right after that, JoLai stepped closer and I wrapped my arms around him and told him, "You don't have to do this right now. We understand." JoLai nodded in agreement. And that? That did it. He dropped his head onto my shoulder and just wept and wept. And JoLai encircled her arms around him, too, and we all had a good, hard sibling cry together. Towards the end of it, Shug joined into our hug and all of us just stood there on that porch holding onto each other as tightly as we could.

And you know? It was mostly beautiful. It was.

So yeah. We surrounded Shug and each other with love today. We did. We broke bread and talked and laughed and even fell asleep on sectionals as a family.

We jumped in the air and played Wii with cousins and rolled on grass and watched our favorite funny clips from Saturday Night Live that we all had seen before but never together.

And you know?

Since I know you were wondering. . . .

. . . .and thinking of us and hoping we were okay. . . . I just wanted you to know. . .

. . .it was mostly beautiful. It was. 

Happy Mother's Day.

Now playing for my mama and all of the mamas out there. . . .

and our LOL favorite SNL bit. . . "Stefon". . .absolutely hilarious.


  1. Yes, we WERE thinking of you. Glad it was mostly beautiful.

    1. This. Thank you for sharing with us.

  2. Mostly beautiful is pretty darn good most time...Deanna would be proud of all of you!

  3. Thanks for sharing that sweetness. All of that mostly beautiful. My love to all of you, through tears and through laughter.

  4. I knew.
    It was a beautiful day, but I knew.
    And because I knew, I recognized that my children, Deanna's siblings, are grieving in ways that are different from mine.
    I knew, too, that my grandchildren were missing their auntie because she was such a vibrant part of their lives.
    I knew.
    When your dad was here last week, I knew.
    I knew that even though we both lost our daughter that a father's pain and a mother's sorrow differ to some degree.
    I knew.
    When I talked to my mother last night, I knew that even a grandmother's sorrow has a face of its own.
    I knew.
    And since I knew, I let the three of you be, because I felt that it was a moment that you needed to share together.
    So many others knew, too, especially Deanna's friends who reached out to me and helped me get through the day.
    I know that your dad and I raised a phenomenal daughter/sister/auntie/granddaughter/cousin/niece/friend/teacher/woman.
    I miss her every day.
    I know that I always will.

    1. Mrs. Draper, about 2 weeks ago, I began praying for you...all of you, as your first Mother's Day without Deanna approached. A 2nd grade student of mine lost her mommy three months ago, and each time I loved on her, I thought about you. I knew your wonderful family would support you, love on you, and love on each other......your words today, comforted me, as they did when I saw you at Deanna's memorial service. Thanks.....for knowing and sharing what "you knew."

      Peace & Blessings,
      Jackie Porter-Morris

    2. Mother/Ladybug,

      Because I knew, I sent you a series of LOVE. At the end I hope you closed your eyes and received your "Kisses from Heaven"...I know I did.


      Marisa (Bumblebee)

  5. I was thinking of y'all and also my best friend, who lost her mother the week before Easter. Glad you found time to laugh, Stefon is one of my favorites, I KNOW you see some Stefon's down at Grady, "to kill her" (fingers crossed). So funny and I love how they crack themselves up as well.

  6. I love the picture of mom and the kids with Will standing by the garage...

    Excellent post. Totally summed up the day.

    And it's always good for me to have a good hard cry with you two. It's therapeutic in a way.


  7. You know. I am glad that you. Much love.
    Penny Luva

  8. Thanks for sharing. You have touched the world in a phenomenal way. Keep it coming for those of us who can't express ourselves, but feel as you do. Your family is a wonderful example of love.
    Abebi Bain
    TU 1996

  9. I love your writing! I don't comment, but I stop by often. Thank you for continuing to write.

  10. I said a prayer for the kids without their mothers yesterday. Today I added in a prayer for mothers without their babies. ((hug hug hug))

  11. From the sloppy, wet with tears, deck of the Poop'
    Boo hiss for Will, Jojee, Shugsie and Dr. KD, for not preparing me for this. My chest started to heave in the first paragraph. Then my eyes started to well up with tears. Naturally the snotty nose had to join in, bringing with it a serious case of the sniffles. As I continued to read, I waxed and waned. I almost had it together when I hit "Ma's" comment. The dam completely gave up and the floodwaters poured out!!
    Thanks to all that commented and to those that just thought about us without our beloved Deanna. I must close now because the floodwaters have returned. Love you all!


"Tell me something good. . . tell me that you like it, yeah." ~ Chaka Khan

Related Posts with Thumbnails