Top Ten: Random Rules on a Rainy Monday.

Lots in my head but with very little rhyme or reason to it. Tonight I'm thinking about some extremely unimportant and random rules in my life--some of which I've already defined and others of which I could use some input from smart people like you. Life needs rules, people. Rules, I say!

And so, I bring you:

THE TOP TEN QUASI-IMPORTANT RULES THAT I HAVE EITHER MADE ALREADY OR THAT I AM TRYING TO MAKE AT THIS MOMENT WITH YOUR HELP. 

Like to hear 'em? Here they go!

#10  The Rule on not hazing people you haven't talked to in a while

With the holiday season comes phone calls from folks you haven't spoken to in some time. And inevitably, at least one of the people you speak with will spend the first twelve minutes of the first phone call they've had with you for the last twelve months hazing you about how you haven't called, emailed, texted, visited--you name it. Here's what I have to say about that:

Cut. It. Out.

Sometimes it's right out in the open.  "You haven't called me. My feelings are hurt." That's mostly awkward and--dare I say it? Annoying. But most times it's super passive-aggressive which is exponentially more annoying.

Case in point:

"Hey there!"

"Whaaaaat? You answered the phone? I can't BELIEVE it. I thought you might have died or moved to outer space. I wondered if I even had a [niece, nephew, friend, cousin, neighbor] at this number any more!"

"Uhhh, yeah. . .okay. So how are you?"

"I'm okay. But it's a good thing I AM okay. If I wasn't doing good or was on my death bead YOU wouldn't have known. Ha ha!"

"Yeah. Okay."

What you're really saying in your head is: "Ha ha, hell."

Ugggh. Then there's the:

"So and so asked me about you and I told them that you don't fool with any of your old friends like me." 

My chin reflexively hits the "end call" button when this happens. Or drops my phone under my care seat.

So here's the rule: Just say "hi" and keep it moving. If someone has pissed you off enough to have you feeling some type of way when you call--then DON'T. Please. For the love of all that is pure, if you do call--just fight the urge to lament about not talking.  Not only is it unpleasant, it is never, ever welcomed. (Nor is it an effective way to get someone to call more. )

Cut. It. Out.

#9   The Rule on bathing your kids (or not bathing them.)

I need to know something. What is the rule on kids bathing? My kids have somehow come up with this very convoluted system that was not authorized by my husband or me. Essentially they have decided that in the winter, they shower or bathe every OTHER day. Zachary explains that it is because you don't sweat so much and your skin can get too dry. Isaiah doesn't even bother with an explanation.

They do have one caveat: If you had practice for a sport that night, you need a shower. But only if it is the kind of sport that makes you stinky. For example, a golf lesson gets you a pass. Now. Come summer, the rules are different. Showers every day--unless you didn't go outside.

Sigh.

I want to know what y'all are doing. Also I want to know if you just let your kids have at it in the shower or are you policing the scrub down situation? I am finding that my son Isaiah will use an entire bottle of shampoo on his afro but will neglect to wash his feet with soap. "They get clean from standing in the shower."

Uhhh okay.

#8  The Rule on certain Video Games

Okay. So there's this video game that my kids recently got turned onto called "Animal Jams." And by recently I mean in the last few days. It's on the National Geographic website which has to be safe, right? Well. I noticed that my kids--particularly my older one who isn't into things like Madden--seemed to be spending an AWFUL lot of time playing this game. Like, it took him away from Minecraft which absolutely is the equivalent of an act of God.

So yesterday Isaiah is asking me all these questions like, "What does BRB mean?" or "Mom! Does IKR mean 'I know, right?'"

So I'm all like, "Dude. Who are you talking to?" And it turns out that this is like one of these multiplayer on line games where you're basically hanging out and chatting with people--but as animal avatars. I immediately felt uncomfortable with that. I started doing my homework and discovered that, duh, all kinds of shadiness goes down on this game the longer your kids play it. And so. I basically shut  it on down and made it a "no."

Have you guys made any rules on certain video games? Which ones? If you have or haven't how do you control this sort of thing?

#7  The Rule on notifying people when you're in their town

This is another holiday thing. People come to towns and get busted off of social media.

"Hey! You in the ATL? WTH???"

And, of course, by the time the person gets the message they're back home. Or worse still in town but feeling guilty.

I think the rule is that it's cool to get a phone call but there shouldn't be pressure to go over the river and through the woods to see you. Atlanta is humongous. Someone might be in, like, Acworth or Peachtree City--both of which are nearly 45 minutes to an hour out of Atlanta proper. I'm the friend that is cool with the phone call and delighted if it leads to us seeing one another. But I do my best not to haze folks.

See #10.

What do y'all think about this? What's the rule? Am I tripping? People over 40 know a lot of people, man. It's hard sometimes. Especially in a town like Atlanta.

#6  The Rule on Group Texting

Let the record show: I am NOT against the group text. But. I am not a fan of being group texted along with seventy five people that I don't know. Especially when seventy four of them respond and they come as random individual texts to me alone that make no sense.

"Yeah girl! I feel you!"  from 678-555-1212

And I'm like, "Uhhhh, okay."

Furthermore, there needs to be a rule on who can be on texts together. Like, I made the mistake of sending a text to four women friends--three of whom are my sorority sisters that all know one another and the other my best friend who is not a member of our sorority nor is she familiar with the other three. Two months later, a text comes to that same thread that assumed it was all Tuskegee Deltas.

Whoops.

Okay. So the rule is this:  Try to limit people who don't know each other being on the same threads. More than like seven people feels very uncozy, man. Reply ONLY to who sent it--especially if five of the numbers aren't listed as names in your phone. Those are my immediate rules.

Some folks don't want to be group texted at all. I wouldn't go that far. But what do you think? What's your rule on group texts?

#5  The Rule on Smart Phone Wars

I feel like the people I know with Galaxy phones (read: THE BHE) love to argue with you about how it is better than the Apple iPhone. While I do agree that the camera on the Galaxy is BOSS, it still has one major flaw: It isn't an Apple.

I admit. I've gulped down the Apple Kool Aid. But can we all just agree to have the anti-Apple people stop busting us over the head with the reasons why they jumped ship? Or never boarded ship?

I'm just saying.

#4  The Rule on the "Read" Stamp on the iPhone

Speaking of the iPhone.

Hey. Did y'all know that the default setting on the Apple iPhone for text messaging is to include this thing at the end of your text messages that indicates that you've seen it and read it? So like, if you're busy and you see it but you don't immediately respond, you look like you're ignoring the text. And if you are ignoring the text, then the person knows it.

Uhhh yeah.

So unless you are perfect with your rapid response situation with texts, I'd recommend going in your settings and shutting that off. Unless you want to be in a #10 conversation all over again.

*You're welcome*

#3  The Rule on Santa's Representatives

My kids are somewhere in between believing in Santa and not believing in Santa. I think the first thing to go, though, is the level of respect they offer to the Santa representatives found in malls, special events and gatherings. For lack of any better way of saying it, my children have pretty much decided that the "fake Santas" can kick rocks.

Maaaan, please.

We were at our annual "Breakfast with Santa Claus" event with our Atlanta Chapter of Jack and Jill earlier this month. In walks Brother Santa in his suit and a legit white beard growing out of his face. The kids were dressed all super cute in sweaters and "holiday attire." That line formed quick for the photo ops and I was hoping and praying that the Manning boys would do their mom a solid just this one time.

Not.

"Seriously, mom?"

That's all Isaiah said when I asked if he'd go take a photo. That is, right before he began breaking down how confusing it is for children to have these fake Santas with real beards, fake beards, brown skin, white skin, real bellies, and pillow bellies. "I bet he doesn't look anything like the old fashioned Santa in that old outfit."   At which point I began imagining Santa in a red and white Adidas warmup suit with six pack abs.

Next I tried the Z man who said, "Yeah, I'm good."

I got all excited like, "Really? You'll do it? You're good!? Yay!!"

Zack squinted his eyes and cocked his head sideways while eating a chocolate covered fruit on a stick. "Uhhhh. . . . no, mom. I meant I'm good on the whole fake Santa thing. We don't believe in the fake Santa Clauses."

The people behind him were on the way to see fake Santa.

Sigh.

You know what? I don't think my kids have ever shown love to the Santa reps. Like ever. What do you guys do with this? What's the rule on fake Santas. I don't fight to keep that dream alive at all. And I'm losing steam on the other Santa, too.

I'm just saying.

#2  The Rule on Christmas Trees and Decorations

Are you guys #teamrealtree or #teamfaketree?

When I lived in Shaker Heights, Ohio, real trees were against the law because they were a fire hazard. Not even kidding.  For the last two or three years, I've had a real tree and have loved it.

And.

Who buys the real swags and wreathes? I always admire them but have never gone out to get one. I always think it's something super rich and hoity, toity people do. But I'm probably dead wrong on that.

But that isn't the real question: The real question is--what is the rule on Christmas decorations coming down? I always thought before the New Year. But what do you guys think? And also what's the rule on the inflatable holiday items? Inflated all day or dead and flat during the day? I think I might be #teaminflatedallday.

Just curious. The deflated Santas and Frostys creep me out.

#1   The Rule on School Work over the break

When kids are on holiday and summer breaks, how much school related stuff should be required of them? Like, should they be reading an hour per day and limiting video games? Or should they just be able to do whatever the hell they want to do? I'm somewhere in the middle on this. I think the BHE is team #whateverthehellyouwanttodo.

I need somebody to weigh in. Especially people with grown kids that turned out alright. Also tell me whether or not I'm a horrible parent for letting my kids stay up until 10:30 during the break. (They're up right now.) I need a reality check, for real.

Bonus one:

I'm also still debating the rule on the "bold lip." Does a bold lip mean minimal accessories and other makeup? Or what? Or do you just do whatever makes you feel fierce? Hmmmm. And also what's the rule on how many wears a formal can get in the same city? This red dress should be retired and hung up in Philips Arena based upon number of wears.

But it is a great dress. That I can still fit. So will probably wear it again no matter what y'all say. LOL.


Looking forward to your insights.

***
Happy Monday.

Ten Quick Randoms of Monumental Unimportance.

Quote of the day:

"Being awesome does not prevent heart disease."  ~ Me.

Hey there. I was just thinking of you good people today and thought I'd go ahead and fill your brains with the unimportant random minutia swirling through my head tonight. Yes! The more random the better. Because that's just where I am right now.

Wrote a little top ten about it. Like to hear it? Here it go!

#10 Paula Deen.

Well, just damn. There is a lot to say about Miss Paula and the whole debacle of her dropping the n-bomb and then freely admitting to doing so like "whatev." But here's what I'm thinking mostly: No person is immune from falling from glory. No one. So Paula Deen's crash and burn reminds me to make smart choices and to never take myself too seriously.

Mostly I just felt disappointed in her because even though I don't call myself a fan, I never turned the channel away from her or anything. What I do like is the fact that I've read some good, healthy dialogue from people of all hues talking about this. And dang. Folks that look like P-Deen are more mad at her than the folks she was trying to oppress. Kind of like how I get mad at the women pulling out each other's weaves on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Rule:  No matter what your story, you can fall from glory if you do dumb stuff. Thank you, Paula Deen, for reminding me to work harder at not doing dumb stuff.

#9  The OWN Network.

I heard a radio personality saying that Oprah's OWN network should be called the ON-YOUR-OWN network because the channel is too hard to locate on your local cable listings. Here in Atlanta it's channel 131. Which is kind of random. He was saying. "Damn, couldn't Oprah afford a better channel than 131? Bravo is 70, MTV is 50. No other good channel is even near 131!"

That kind of made me LOL.

#8  Original Riddle written by yours truly.

Question:  Why did the television break up with the VCR?

Answer:  He was too much of a playa.

Ha ha ha *cough* ha ha ha ha

My friend Wendy A. said I shouldn't say "VCR" because it makes the joke incomprehensible to anyone under the age of 30. So if you're all young like that, just say "BLUE RAY" instead when you tell it.

*you're welcome*

Oh yeah. Here's another that I didn't make up but that makes me giggle.

Question: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Answer: Fa drizzle.

(To which you should then follow up with, "Fa shizzle.")

Hee hee. *takes bow* I'll be here all week!

#7  Harry and his couch.

Dude. Why is it that the BHE is willing to lay on the couch for twenty-seven hours whilst enduring severe dehydration until I walk past him so that he can say, "BABE! CAN YOU GET ME SOME WATER?" Or some whatever it is that is two feet away that he waited for me to come out to get?

Grrrr.

So now there's this whole passive-aggressive tip-toeing I do when I come by the couch to go to the kitchen while he's out there. Why? I do not know. I just do. Because I'm sort of annoyed by the fact that even if it's been seventy seven hours of him watching Duck Dynasty, at no point in it does the thirst reach a point so critical that he gets up to get it himself. EVER.

Dude. I'm all like CUT. IT. OUT.

Yesterday I commando crawled to the living room to get my purse because I didn't want a bunch of orders. That's bad, huh? And okay. The man is rarely on his couch because he works really, really hard but still. What's up with that? And what's worse is that no matter how quietly I try to sneak past him, he always hears me and thinks of AT LEAST ONE THING he needs me to "do him a favor and get."

*insert side eye roll*

Some days I preemptively strike and just bring water and snacks in there and plop them on the ottoman in front of him. And that makes him really happy when I'm The Good Wife. But that's only on some days when I'm feeling all nicey-nicey.

#6  The Four Agreements.

Have y'all read this book? It's really kind of cool once you get past the heavy parts at the beginning. You know how those kinds of self-helpy books can start out. Cryptic and spiritual where you aren't sure you can go on. But this one is worth muddling through to get to the good parts. In a nutshell, it's saying that people who wish to be authentic or whatever should make four agreements with themselves:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take things personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My favorite is number 4. Always do your best. I need that reminder sometimes, man. I like number 1, too. Reminds us to pay attention to the power of the tongue. It can spread magic -- the beautiful kind or the black kind.

The book is short. If you dig this kind of thing, peep it out. Very thought provoking stuff. My sister friend and med school classmate Yolanda W. gave it to me. I love that girl because she's always giving me good things to think about so that I can better myself.

Here's us earlier last week when I gave a talk she invited me to give at Morehouse School of Medicine:

#5  Shot versus Drink.

I asked a group of medical students this question:

"If an attending physician was having dinner with you and offered to buy a round of shots for the team, would that bother you? Would it be any different than if he or she just had a glass of wine or a cocktail with dinner?"

Some of them said if the month was a good month and they weren't at work that it wouldn't bother them either way. And me, I was all appalled and balking at the shot thing saying it's TOTALLY different. And they were all like, "How? It's all alcohol."

Hmmm.

My brow is mad furrowed on this one. I think people take shots for one reason and one reason only. Imagine me chatting with you over dinner and randomly ordering a shot and taking it midsentence. Hello? That's my opinion. But they made good points saying, "Who's to say that the same shouldn't be said about all alcohol?"

What do y'all think?

#4  Dark Girls documentary.

I watched this on the ON-YOUR-OWN network tonight and it kind of depressed me. Essentially this show was about all of the issues with skin complexion and our people. And all people sort of. Lots of it was super true. But it also painted this picture as if every dark-skinned sister is battling some serious self hatred about being dark brown.

Hmmm.

I know a LOT of darker skinned girls who *LOVED* having that as a calling card. Especially when I was in high school. I have a friend that I used to call "Chocolate Drop" who looooooved that nickname so much that she wrote it everywhere. But maybe she was dealing with those demons and I didn't know it. I guess I just wanted them to show some of the girls I knew from school who loved their cocoa complexions. A lot of them were "it girls" at my school for sure.

What did y'all think about this? (Those who found the channel.)

#3  Spanx-ings

Ha ha ha. Harry was asking me about Spanx the other day. He wanted to know if they have FULL BODY Spankings or what. And he called it "spanking" like wearing Spanx had an action verb version.

Ha.

So I asked why and his answer? "One of my frat brothers said he hugged this girl who looked really good in this sundress and it felt like she had on armor underneath there." And we just laughed and laughed.

I then pulled up all of the permutations of Spanx-ings on line so that he could see how hard core it really gets. We also discovered that there is a whole line of man Spanx. Which makes sense sort of.

I guess. Um, yeah.

#2  Gangsta.

I am really big fan of the voice texting mechanism on the iPhone. I love that Siri has mastered lots of slang. I was in an epic texting exchange with JoLai tonight as I often am. And I said that something was "gangsta" and Siri spelled it exactly as such. "GANGSTA." Not to be confused with "gangster."

Love that.

We were talking about the GANGSTA questions Oprah was asking Cissy Houston in her interview about Whitney. And to those that don't understand the meaning of "gangsta" just know that it has so many meanings. It's just when you're bold about something. Like audacious even. Which makes people say, "Dang. That's gangsta."

(See Paula Deen admitting to using the n-word and other derogatory slurs------> GANGSTA.)

#1  Team SJGR sign ups are starting soon.

JoLai and I have just started a new team. It's called TEAM SJGR. Anyone who is bull-ishing in any part of their life that they need to stop bull-ishing on can join. But particularly the focus is health. HEALTH. So a lot of the focus is going to be on healthy eating and lifestyle. And getting serious.

Why?

Because last week SJGR. Tony Soprano's middle school aged son found him dead after a heart attack. Yes. James Gandolfini. He was larger than life on and off of the screen. And yes, we loved his character which made us love him. But even more, I bet his son loved him.

He was a big dude. He was. And I am not sure what Mr. Gandolfini's health deal was but I know the number one killer ended his life. The same one that robbed me of my beloved big sister. And you know what? I heard that and said, "SHIT JUST GOT REAL." Being awesome does not prevent heart disease. It does not.

Did y'all catch that?

BEING AWESOME DOES NOT PREVENT HEART DISEASE.

And so. JoLai and I have decided that we won't keep pretending like it is. Like us being awesome and lovable is enough to protect our hearts from a Western diet and a family history. Period. End of story.

We welcome any and everyone to join us. But only if you are ready to stop bull-ishing. Cause on Team SJGR the realness will be all up in your face like Tony Soprano.


Stay tuned for that.

And now a photodump from last week for your viewing pleasure.

Transitional Year Residents' End of Year Gathering

Mahmoud's last clinic session -- one of my F.R.'s of all time.

Meeting Mahmoud's mom who was visiting from Libya at IM Residency graduation

Going away breakfast with another graduating resident Sandeep--another of my FRs!

Girlfriend time on Friday with former Grady doctor and good friend Frieda!

At church today -- our dear friends' baby was baptized/dedicated today!

Good looking Omega men. . .whew!

He kind of made my ovaries hurt for a baby. Kind of but not really.

When Dr. L gave Dr. W. chlamydia. (Okay, okay, a stuffed replica of it.)

Pia C.--another FR--(fave resident) on her LAST DAY OF CLINIC!!

That's all I got. Tomorrow is the first day of orientation for our new interns. Good times ahead.

***
Happy Sunday.

Top Ten: Friday Afternoon Hair Salon Shenanigans

Well. Happy Saturday, good people. It's a beautiful morning here in Atlanta. And guess what? I got my hair done yesterday and man, oh man was the beauty shop hopping. Good times, I tell you. All of the girlfriends seemed to be there and the topics were all over the place.

Matter of fact, I wrote a little top ten about it. Like to hear it? Here it go!

This morning I proudly bring you:

THE TOP TEN DISCUSSIONS PARTICIPATED IN OR OVERHEARD IN THE HAIR SALON YESTERDAY.

#10   Halle Berry is Pregnant.

 

Client in chair:   "Girrrrrrl, Halle Berry is pregnant!"

Me: "Really?"

Client in chair:  "Yup. I just saw it on a tweet from TMZ." 

Client getting weave:  "Damn. Halle's ass will find her a fine looking dude to get knocked up by, won't she?"

All:  exaggerated head nods

Stylist:  "I thought he got beat up?"

Me:  "Who?"

Stylist: "That dude she's with now. Didn't her first baby-daddy beat him up?"

Client under dryer:  "Uh uh. I think he beat up the baby-daddy." 

Client in chair: "Yeah, girl. He jacked that dude up." Pulls up picture on Google images.

All:  "Daaaaaamn."

Client getting weave:  "Either way, what's that got to do with her being pregnant by him?"

Stylist:  "He could've gotten kicked in his junk which would make him NOT THE FATHER!!!"

*laughter*

#9   --   Kim Kardashian is pregnant.

Stylist:  "What about your girl, Kim Kardashian and her pregnancy?"

Client in chair:  "What the what! Why she got to wear all those tight clothes? She look like a pack of biscuits, don't she?"

*laughter*

Client in chair:  "If I was her, I wouldn't even bring a spoon anywhere near my mouth. 'Cause you know what happen when you put a spoon next to a pack of biscuits."

All:  "POOF!"

*laughter*

#8  --   Rutgers basketball.

Client under dryer:  "That dude from Rutgers resigned."

Client just hanging out:  "The basketball coach?"

Client under dryer:  "I think so."

Stylist:  "No, he got fired. I think it was their athletic director that resigned."

Client just hanging out:  "Was this the guy who said the womens' basketball team had nappy hair?"

All:  "NOOO!"

*laughter*

Stylist:  "No, this is the coach who was throwing basketballs at players and got caught on tape wilding out on everybody."

Client just hanging out:  "Oh, my bad. But didn't somebody say something about nappy hair with the Rutgers womens' hoop squad?"

Me:  "Ha ha ha, yeah I think that was Rutgers. But that was that radio guy, Don Imus. He's back on the radio, too."

Client under dryer:  "Maaaaan, real talk? When I used to play basketball in high school, my hair was NAP-PY."

*laughter*

Stylist:  "Yeah, but I don't think you wanted anybody saying so on the radio."

Me:  "Let's not forget that he said 'nappy-headed hoes.' Not just nappy-headed."

Client under dryer:  "Whaaaat? Aaww hells no. "

Me: "Yup."

Client under dryer:  "He went too far. I needed my hair done back then but I definitely wasn't a ho."

*laughter*



(Just rewatched this Don Imus clip and realized how not funny it was, though. Sheeesh.)


 #7  -- Cravings

Client under dryer:  "Is the peach cobbler dude coming over here today?"

Stylist:  "He hasn't been by here in a while."

Client under dryer:  "What about the sandwich dude?"

Stylist:  "Not sure."

Client under dryer:  "Is the sushi spot open?"

Stylist:  "Not until five."

Client in chair:  "Damn, heifer. Are you pregnant?"

*laughter*


#6  --  Justi-fied.

 Me:  (looking in People magazine) "Good heavens. I love me some Justin Timberlake."

Client in chair:  "Yeah, girl. I know I'm married but he could get it right here, right now in this chair."

Me:  "In that chair?"

Client in chair: "In this chair right here."

Me:  "Wow."

#5  --  Follow up.

Client just hanging out:  "Hey, Kim! What's up with your ankle?"

Me:  "Mostly better, but still kind of 'flicted. But they did x-ray me today and it showed that my stress fracture is healing."

Client just hanging out:  "Awww damn. So you still can't run yet?"

Me:  "They said about two more weeks."

Client just hanging out:  "Damn."

Client under dryer:  "Oh well. At least your hair will look good."

Me:  "True."

*finger snaps all over salon*


#4  --  Easter Passover

Me:  "How was everybody's Easter?"

All:  "Good."

Client:  "But I didn't go to church, though."

Me: "What? You always go to church! Why not?"

Client:  "Too many CME church-goers on that day."

Stylist:  "What's that?"

Client:  "Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter."


#3  Speaking of which. . .

Client just arriving:  "Hey y'all!"

All:  "Hey, girl!"

Client under dryer: (after lifting hood to give a hug)  "Girl, you look good! Did you lose weight?"

Me:  "Yeah, you look awesome!"

Client just arriving:  "Girl, I always look good after the lenten season. Those 40 days without treats get a sister foine." (foine = fine, fine = hot.)

Client under dryer:  "Dang. Let me know what I need to give up next year. I want to look like you."

Stylist:  "I kind of think that isn't the point of lent, but it could just be me."

*laughter*


#2  -- More Halle

Client under dryer:  "Isn't Halle Berry like 50? How is she pregnant?"

Stylist:  "She's actually 46."

Client under dryer:  "I wish somebody would come and tell me I was pregnant at 46."

Client getting weave:  "That's 'cause you already have kids and they're grown."

Client under dryer:  "I would be catatonic. Y'all would have to put me in a straight jacket."

Me:  "She's a young 46, though."

Client under dryer:  "She's 46."

Client getting a weave:  "One of my friends got pregnant at 44."

Client under dryer:  "She tripped!"

Client getting a weave:  "She was happy. She got married late."

Client just hanging out:  "I guess she could get her tubes tied and her hip replaced at the same time, though."

*laughter*

Me:  "That's cold."


Client under dryer:  "Bet her first baby-daddy is doing the Jerry Springer dance right about now!"

*laughter*



#1  -- Keeping it real.

Client under dryer:  "Kim, is this fattening what I'm eating? I'm starving."

Me:  "Uhhh? Kind of."

Client just hanging out:  "Kind of? B@#% please!  That's horrible what you're eating. Just know that your ass is getting bigger with every bite."

Client under dryer:  "Shut up! You ain't the doctor, hater! Kim, is it really that bad if the portion isn't so big?"

Me:  "Um. . .actually? Uhh, yeah. Pretty much."

Client hanging out:  "What, what?" (then does a Jerry Springer show move for emphasis

*more laughter*

And just think--that was only ten of the ten thousand things that got talked about yesterday. . .  ha ha ha ha. . . .Man. I love that place. So glad y'all could hang out there with me. What's up with y'all today?

***

Happy Saturday.

Ten Quick Randoms: Volume 1

Here are ten quick randoms from my couch this evening. Monumentally unimportant. So please--know that before spending any significant amount of time reading them.

Here we go.

1. First up-- this. I was so overdue for a good flash mob. Mo and Ant -- thank you both for seeing to it that I got this little slice of YouTube sunshine.



OM-expletive-G. This flash mob made me almost as happy as the one Gary did for Brad on It's a Brad Brad World.  Flash mobs are right up there with Key Lime pie for me. Seriously? If you are trying to decide if you should surprise me with a flash mob (or invite me to participate in one) at any time, please know that the answer is . . . .

DO IT.  

2.  How does anyone manage to eat bleu cheese? Or feta cheese? Without feeling like they are directly consuming toe jam? Please. Somebody, anybody tell me this.

*Sorry. Just threw up in my mouth a little bit.*

3.  Yesterday I spent nothing less than two hours trying to hunt down the source of a motley crew of fruit flies that have decided to have a convention in my kitchen. I looked for fruit. I looked for old potatoes. I even checked out the bread. Nada.

A fruit fly takedown is serious business, y'all. Especially in the South. I get rather OCD about it all and go crazy trying to find a source. Which is funny because I am terrified that I will find some Stephen King looking fruit fly fest somewhere. Fortunately, I never have made such a discovery but did once get close with a renegade sweet potato.

Eeew.

4.  Finally I got on the internet and learned about "drain flies."

And yes. Before you even say it,  I had been pouring bleach down the drain but this is Georgia and our flies drink bleach with their breakfast. And then they belch in your face.

I am 100% certain that people like Ms. Moon knew this already but did y'all know that putting a bunch of ice and dishwashing detergent down your drain and running the disposal gets rid of them?


Ummmm hmmm.

In yo' FACE Drosophila!

5. Hmm. What else? Oh, of course. Am I the only one who just adores Mrs. Obama?

Love. Her.

She is all that and a slice of Key Lime pie. And she wears clothes from H&M and TARGET. Seriously? Seriously.

6. Oh yeah. Speaking of First-ish Ladies. . . have I told you of my growing fascination with Duchess Kate? (Who clearly has excellent taste in friends.)

Yeah, I'm kind of digging Duchess Kate. She has that iconic style of her late royal mother-in-law, don't you think? Apparently when she wore this dress pictured above she totally crashed the website that sells it. No disputing it--the girl has style. And proves that you can look feminine and pretty without looking like a hoochie mama.

Which reminds me -- wasn't Princess Diana awesome? I loved her style both figuratively and literally. And she also looked fresh and feminine without looking like a hoochie mama.

Plus -- she OWNED that short haircut long before it was super cool to do so.

(And clearly I am partial to those who aren't opposed to whacking all of their hair off.)

No, I'm not British but I was sad when she died in that car wreck back in '97. Yes. This African American from Los Angeles watched her funeral in a stuffy call room late one night instead of reading her Harrison's Textbook of Medicine. I cried like a baby when Sir Elton John sang that remix of Candle in the Wind.


Lawd.



I think that Di would have approved of Kate. I also think Kate would have approved of Di's short haircut. And I approve of their non-hoochie-mama-ness.

Oh, and I love Elton John, too.

7. Speaking of fascinating women with short haircuts. . . . did you know that I secretly have a dream of being interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR's Fresh Air?

Not. Kidding.

I imagine her saying, "My guest today is Dr. Kimberly Manning, author of the blog 'Reflections of a Grady Doctor' and multiple New York Times Bestsellers. She is also a regular contributor here on NPR and on CNN and a professor of medicine at the Emory University School of Medicine. . ." (Can't you just hear Terry's voice?)

I'll let y'all know when she calls me. Or when her people call my people.

Oh yeah. Speaking of Terry Gross . . . . I just went back and laughed my head off at this old post on my friend Ann's blog. It was about how she's a little bit Terry and a little bit rock 'n' roll. Dang, I feel that way sometimes, too. Warning: You might have to be a Fresh Air fan to find the humor in it. Cracked me up. (Ann always does.)

8.  I got my toenails painted sea foam green this weekend. In fact, it was this exact color.

I was so happy to be getting a pedicure that I told Cindy, the nice woman working on my feet, to choose whatever she thought would be cute--and that wasn't an extra fee (because clearly I'm cheap.) Then I fell asleep in that massage chair. She chose this bizarre color called "Thanks a Windmillion" which, at first, I was rather digging.

Today when I put on my taupe peep toe shoes to go to work, I looked down at those toes and immediately regretted it. This is the problem -- I let her choose a "flip flop color." Totally.

Thanks a Windmillion, Cindy.

9.  I recently saw this man who had immigrated to the United States a few years ago and his main complaint was erectile dysfunction. Or as he described it "I cannot do thee do."

Anyways.

After some questions, my female resident and I learned that even though he had medical problems that could potentially explain this problem, it was likely related to some issues he was having at home. This man looked at us with a very, very straight face and said, "Our women are not like you American women. You American women want to do it, do it, do it all thee time." (NOTE: Please insert accompanying arm-pumping gesture here.) "You American women want it all thee time. Even when you get off of work. You wear thee negligees and thee high heels to get your man in the mood. Our women just lay there like a bump on a log and say, 'Aaaaahhh. Just come and get it.'"

0_0      0_o

Uuuuuh. . . . . .okay.

10.  And last but not least, a few extraordinarily random snaps of Zachary and me on the MacBook photo booth (which he LOVES by the way.)

Yes, people. Admit it. This is exactly what you come here for. Heh.

Wards start tomorrow. Wish me luck and lots of F.P.s. .   .

***
Happy Thursday.