Oh man, y'all. So much has been going on in the world that I was absolutely delighted to discuss it all in the hair salon today. (From the perspective of the sistas getting their hair done, that is.) Clearly this warrants a top ten.
Clearly.
So. . . yeah. . . the inauguration. Yes. That. This was our hottest topic, of course. Once we got past the whole "We love President Obama" and "Isn't it wonderful to see him getting inaugurated on the Martin Luther King Holiday!" part, we moved straight into the absolutely, positively unimportant parts that we'd all saved up for the beauty shop.
Therefore. Without further ado, I bring you:
THE TOP TEN THINGS I EITHER DISCUSSED OR OVERHEARD SOMEBODY DISCUSSING IN THE HAIR SALON TODAY.
Like to hear it? Here it go!
Note: Whenever I don't indicate who was speaking, it means that nearly everyone in earshot was chiming in. (Which is nearly all of the discussion points.)
Alrighty then. . . . .
#10 BANG-UP JOB
"What y'all think about them bangs?"
"What bangs?"
"Michelle's bangs."
"Oh. Those. I think they were fine. Not as big a deal as everyone made out of them, though. But fine."
"Girrrrl, you TRIPPIN'! I thought they was BANGIN'!"
#9 CLINTON AND KELLY
Stylist: "Did you see your boy Bill eyeballing Kelly Clarkston when she came on that stage?"
Client #1: "Girrrrl! No! What did he do, girl?"
Stylist: "That man about broke his neck when that girl walked out!"
Client #2 (across room): "That's his type you know."
Me: "His type? Say what?"
Client #2: "Yeah, girl. That's cause Kelly kinda thick. Sorta like Hillary and Monica."
Me: >_<
#8 CONTACT PRECAUTIONS.
"Damn! Doesn't Hillary Clinton have some contact lenses? Did you see her with them Coke bottles on? Poor Bill."
"That's jacked up. You know she just had a clot on her brain!"
"What's that got to do with her putting in some contacts or at least getting some new glasses?"
"You're going to hell."
"And so is Hillary's stylist."
#7 EXTRA! EXTRA!
"Let's discuss whether or not Miss Beyonce was mouthing or singing live."
"No! First we have to discuss what she had on and her hair!"
"I thought she looked nice."
"I thought she looked extra."
"Extra?"
"Hell yeah. Why was she giving us sequins and sparkles and big hair at the daytime inauguration? I mean, she was giving us red carpet and Golden Globes and it just wasn't even called for."
"I agree! And you know the only reason she took that ear prompter out when she was singing was 'cause it was irritating her with that big ass emerald earring in her ear."
"No, guys. I actually think it was because she was trying to hear better when she sang."
(side-eye glance) "Hmmph. You can believe that if you want."
 |
| "Girl! Where is you goin' in that ball gown?!" |
"I'm with you, girl. She walked out and I was thinking, 'Uhhhh, Dreamgirls called. They want their dress back."
*laughter*
#6 LIP SERVICE
Me: "Well? Who thinks she was lip syncing?
Sister-getting-a-relaxer: "You know what I think?"
Me: "What's that?"
Sister-getting-a-relaxer: "I think Beyonce is a bad ass b@%h and it don't matter what she did."
Me: "I heard that!"
Sister-getting-a-relaxer: "Did you see how she walked up there looking all around like a diva when that music came on? She was giving us Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin and Barbra Streisand!" (looks around and bats lashes.)
Me: "I know that's right!"
Stylist: "It totally looked live to me."
Sister-getting-hair-shampooed (yelling over rushing water): "Well you know what I think? I think it just made me want to hear the Whitney Houston version from the Super Bowl. That's all it did for me."
Me: "Now Whitney Houston definitely lip synced."
Sister-getting-hair-shampooed (still hollering like she's deaf): "Yeah, but she was Whitney so she could do whatever the hell she wanted to do!"
*Everyone sits in quiet reflection for a bit trying to recall the Whitney performance. *
Everybody nodding and in unison: "Yeah. . . Whitney pretty much killed it."
#5 POETRY IN MOTION
"Who else besides me fell asleep when dude was reading that poem?"
"Okay. Now you really, really going to hell."
#4 JAY Z
"It woulda been hot if Jay Z got up there and spit a few rhymes instead of the Star Spangled Banner. Bet nobody woulda been accusing him of lip syncing then!"
"And Barack coulda jumped in and free styled."
"Yeah. That woulda been hot."
#3 LADY IN RED
"Girrrrl! Did y'all see how Barack was looking at Michelle in that red dress?"
"He was looking like, 'It's 'bout to be ON when we leave here.'"
"Y'all are disgusting."
"Oh come on! Everyone knows that dressing up in black tie puts you in the mood."
"True dat."
"Yeah. That and waking up the morning after a big argument."
*everyone nodding their heads*
#2 MRS. BIDEN
Client #1: "While we talkin' about dresses, don't sleep on Tipper in her dress. She was killin' em in that blue bias cut!"
Stylist: "Yeah, girl. And you know bias cuts are totally unforgiving."
Client #1: "Totally! They show every lump, bump, nook and cranny! She was workin' it, though."
Client #2: "Mmm hmmm."
Client #1: "I was like, 'Tipper, boo, you DID that!'"
Me: "Uhhhh, am I the only one who's tripping off of you calling her 'Tipper' and not 'Jill?' Uhhh, Tipper was Gore's wife."
Client #1: "Oh, hell. Y'all knew what I meant."
Client #2: "Didn't she have blonde hair, too?"
Me: 0_0
#1 UH OH, UH OH, UH OH!
"I love me some Michelle. Lord knows I do. But can I just go on the record and admit that I look at her husband in ways that she wouldn't like. For real, girl."
*high fives all around*
"Especially with that gray hair he has now. Girrrrrl."
"I know that's right. If I was at that ball she would have been like, 'Who is this broad hunching all up on my husband like that?'"
*laughter*
"I wouldn't go near that dude."
*heads swing in the direction of person speaking*
"Yeah, he's fine and all, but Michelle from the south side of Chicago. And have you seen her arms? She'll kick somebody's ass if they get up in her man's face."
*laughter*
"When Beyonce walked up, Michelle was all like, 'Why you got to be all hugging and kissing all on my man and just giving Joe Biden the nod?'"
"Ha ha ha! I bet that's what she said in Beyonce's ear when she got up close to her."
"It is! This is what she said:
 |
| Beyonce: "Yes, ma'am." |
(teeth gritted)
"Loook, little girl. I'm from the south side o'Chicago and I will s-natch you up by that weave if you pull some mess like that again! Do you hear me?"
*laughter*
See? I told you that there's never a dull moment in the beauty shop. Never, not ever. Ha ha ha!
See? I told you that there's never a dull moment in the beauty shop. Never, not ever. Ha ha ha!
Yeah, so that's what we were talking about. What were y'all talking about that had zero relevance or importance regarding this monumental moment in time?
Good times, y'all.
***
Happy Wednesday.
And here's Miss Whitney lip syncing and killing it--simultaneously.
And yes, Miss Beyonce--personally, I loved your rendition. But I have to agree with my shampoo bowl sister. . .something about hearing you sing that day made me wish for Whitney in her warm up suit a little bit, too.
BONUS TOPICS:
* Michelle and the Boehner eyeroll. Hee hee.
* Whether or not Michelle Obama's bangs were cut or just clip ins."
* How fun it seems like Joe Biden is to have around
* Whether or not Michelle's mama spanks the girls when they act up
* Why Hillary hasn't gotten Lasik eye surgery yet
* How Jennifer Hudson manages to get such high profile gigs all the time
* How Michelle Obama needs to give Condoleezza her hair stylist's contact information
