Let the circle be unbroken.

Our family dinner tonight

Here were the instructions:

"Quick! Go WILD if you love Auntie Deanna!!!!"

As you can see, everyone when wild. This is the kind of picture she would have loved. Because it was fun. And that Deanna was all about fun.

 

Okay. Now it's your turn. Wild out if you love Auntie Deanna. Or if you love somebody period. You ready? 'Cause I'm, like, totally serious.

I'm not on Facebook but JoLai and Will are. So hit them with your happiest, wildest shot if you love Deanna. What you got? Come on, now. Don't be shy!

(Mean mugs also accepted if you're too cool to go wild. I'm just sayin'.)

JoLai? Make sure you send me some of the ones you get. Or make one of those funky collage things. Ha ha ha. Hey-- and even if you don't take a picture, make sure you go wild for a few seconds and make your silliest face. Then let me know you did because that thought will make me happy.

***
Happy Tuesday--not Blues-day.

Music Lyrics Monday: Don't Cry for Me.

Don't Cry for Me

Here we are again
That old familiar place
where the winds will blow
No one ever knows the time nor place 


Don't cry For me
Don't shed a tear
The time I shared with you will always be
And when I'm gone, please carry on
Don't Cry for me

No one is the blame,
my death was meant to be
Don't carry guilt nor shame
The reason why I came soon you'll see

Don't cry For me
Don't shed a tear
The time I shared with you will always be
And when I'm gone, please carry on
Don't cry for me

Don't cry when life is not the joy it should be
With life comes pain
Soon time will end this course appointed
and you will be rewarded
and all the world will see

Don't cry For Me
Don't shed a tear
The time I shared with you will always be
And when I'm gone
Life still carries on
Don't cry for me

We'll always be
don't cry for me

~ As sung by CeCe Winans

Auntie and the six pack!

_________________________________________

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit lighter. Encouraged by my sister's memory and all of the love that so many people have been showing. Encouraged by the energy . . . the all of it.

This song was playing on my mental iPod as I fell asleep. I pulled it up on my real, true iTunes and listened to CeCe singing softly in my ear. I smiled and wept simultaneously. I liken it to a "sun shower" -- my favorite kind of rain.

Yesterday was tough and beautiful at the same time. Some of Deanna's closest friends streamed in and the sight of them without her was a lot to bear. But again, it was like a sun shower. Fleeting, warm and still filled with light.

Light.

Light, like her. Light, like air. Light, like grace. Light, like peace.

Yeah. So it's crazy. The more I think about it the more I realize that this is how I feel overall. Unusually peaceful. I am constantly amazed by the number of provisions that were made for us. Like being able to spend every day with Deanna with our kids for nearly eight months before she passed. Like Harry being home that night (when he normally isn't) so that he could go to get the kids from school. Like somehow having the forethought to tell my mother not to go into Deanna's home when she arrived on Thursday because nothing good could come from her finding her own child lifeless. Like my brother and sister-in-law being near enough to get to Mommy first and kind officers who showed empathy for our family.

See? There were provisions. Provisions, y'all!

Like me not needing Deanna to get the kids on Monday, which allowed her to be with Will's kids instead. She straightened hair and made them laugh and did the things that she always did. And then she was with Isaiah and Zachary on Tuesday and Wednesday. Which was perfect.

Mommy and her girls!

Jo with the fro!

Our whole family was together at homecoming this year. And, like I said before, it was one of the best homecomings ever. She agreed that it was and that weekend made her happy. This, too, was a provision. And truthfully, the list goes on and on. So many provisions. And even clarity that they are just that. Which, if you ask me, is yet another one of God's merciful provisions.

Hey! That's something to shout about!

I'm rambling. Ha ha. Sorry. I hope it's okay.

So what else?  Oh. Some pictures. Yes! Pictures. Because I am feeling like showing you these pictures of us healing together will do your hearts good. Like it will somehow, some way do for all of you what it has been doing for all of us.

Two of my linesisters were two of Deanna's best friends. Ursula and Sara both came to be with our family and I know it meant a ton to my mom. It meant a lot to me, too.

Gamma Tau Spring '92 girls!

You know what? I was just thinking. The scarves were another provision. A tangible thing to wrap around us and feel her. It's unbelievable how many of the special people in Deanna's life have at least one of these scarves. Lucky, lucky us.

My sissy's linesister

Nikki and Bert

My other big sis, Frannie!

Auntie's two eldest nephews

Steve F. and Ramon K., fellow Tuskegee alums

Sweet boy.

And then. There were the kids. Once again, the kids came through. Last night, it was my little godson, Jackson who saved the day. He made Poopdeck smile brighter than anyone else. That little pumpkin jumped straight into his arms and didn't let go. Yet another provision. :)

Baby J. and Poopdeck.

We had a candlelight remembrance in Deanna's memory last night. All of us stood in the cool evening breeze sharing and hugging and remembering. Nobody got too cold since we all had our Auntie Deanna scarves! There were some tears. But mostly there was joy and peace.
 

Three of my MAIN MEN.

Lisa and Poopdeck.

Will and Chris

Heather and Frannie

 And this. Look at this. (Okay, you'll have to click the image to see it clearly.) JoLai made this when she woke up this morning.

Draper Four Forever

Oh and speaking of JoLai--JoLai just said that mostly she feels okay. Outside of these moments where she wishes she had a punch bowl to drop on the ground like Florida Evans on Good Times.

 

I thought that might lighten y'all up some. Quietly, I think all of us have had a Florida Evans moment since this has happened.

That JoLai. She's something special. Remember how I told y'all about her being the "friend hoarder?" Well I am learning that she wasn't the only one. Deanna was a friend hoarder, too. And she was even worse than JoLai because she hoarded friends in real life and then had a whole 'nother collection of them stacked up neatly on line.

Shout out to all of Deanna's virtual buddies! Hey y'all!

What else? Oh! We're almost done finalizing things for a memorial service. It's going to be on December 8 so save that date, okay? Time and details to follow. I promise to post them where you can see them. No open caskets or any such thing. Just a celebratory homegoing for our beloved Deanna!

And now for some sisterly silliness. Because Deanna loved silliness. Especially between sisters.

Ha ha ha. This would have been the screensaver on her phone. Or posted on Facebook, I'm sure. Pictures rock.

Which brings me back to this one again.

Super Auntie!

I took this picture myself. Tounces has everyone wear these t-shirts that she dyes every year for photos. I remember insisting that everyone just "love on each other" instead of being all "posey posey."  Isn't this a great pic? My favorite part is Zachary laying on her bosom. Ha! I just love that this photo exists.

Sigh. Yeah.

So . .. . .I guess that's all I got for now. Promise to talk to y'all again soon, okay?


***
Happy Monday.

And for your listening pleasure--CeCe Winans singing "Don't Cry for Me." Thank you, Ms. CeCe for ministering to me this morning.

The kids are alright.

Wow.

We've been absolutely surrounded and enveloped in love. Outpourings of kindness from friends near and far underscoring for us how absolutely adored our dear sister was. We've been speaking her name and looking at her photos and telling stories. There have been tears and laughs and then tears again followed by some more laughs. And all of it has been okay.

And all of you! Sigh. You have been so amazing. Do you know? I imagine every single one of you with your prayers and thoughts as invisible hands holding us up. And yesterday I had to do something hard but it went fine because it was like all of you were surrounding me with invisible tissues wiping my tears. The love is so very felt. It so is.

As for me, you also know that I am a woman of strong faith. More than anything else, it is that which has given me the greatest comfort of all. My big brother and baby sister are believers, too, and in addition to clinging to one another, we are clinging to God's unchanging hand. So that part makes it okay, too.

I guess I just wanted you all to know that--so far--the kids are alright. We are. And since the kids are alright, we will make sure that the mama and the daddy are alright, too. No matter what.

I've thought of this quote a lot lately:

"A man who has lost his wife is called a "widower." A child without parents is an “orphan.” Yet there is no single English word to describe a parent who has lost a child. A heartbreaking lexical gap."

~ Danielle, former blogger at sixyearmed.com

That it is.

But believe me. The kids are alright. And even the grandkids are alright. So the mama and the daddy will be bolstered by our love every second of every day. They, too, will be alright.

I woke up this morning wanting to talk to you guys. To let you put your fingers on my pulse and your hands upon my shoulders to know that things were moving along. Hard but forward. Because you all are important to me. I feel the need to tell you that. You are so important to me. I know that some of you who only read here and have never seen or met me in person cried real, true tears. Your hearts have been broken and you, too, have been unable to sleep. So like one of you said, if people don't think these relationships we've built through words are real--to that we say "nay nay."

Yeah.

The morning after, I woke up and just lay in bed wondering if it was true. I rolled over and looked at my phone and saw a stream of texts. Then I knew it was.

Shit.

I got up and went through the motions. Surprisingly I thought I was feeling mostly okay. But then I prepared coffee without placing the carafe under the coffee maker spilling coffee everywhere. (And don't judge me for the el cheapo, old school Mr. Coffee coffee maker like my brother did.)  I knew that I needed to take a seat, close my eyes, and let this new reality start sinking in. At least for that morning. So that's what I did. I sat in silence and cried. Then I prayed. And cried some more. That helped.

At first I mostly wanted to be alone. But then I felt up to some company and one of the people I wanted to see the most sent me a text. My linesister, Ebony. 

Her: "Up for some company?"

Me: "Yours. Yes. Please."

And so she came.

She always makes me smile and laugh. I was so glad she was there.

Then my dear med school friends Tracey and Lisa came, too. And even my little godson Jackson. I went and spent time with Tounces. Silenced her phone and put her in bed. Then I went to hug my brother and love on my sister-in-law because she lost a sister, too. And you know the BHE has been just that throughout all of this. But he lost a sister, too, so we loved on each other, too.

Calls, texts and email poured in. You came to this blog and left kind words. And they made a difference. I hope you know that they did.

My dear friend the Profesora in Pittsburgh called me and as soon as she did, I just cried and cried. Because I needed her and she knew I did. So I was glad for that.

Lesley left me yummy desserts and took care of our dinner. That gesture wasn't lost. The timing was perfect and she even chose our favorite restaurant which I know for certain was not by accident. That meant a lot.

This next morning, I woke up thinking about what things would be important to Deanna. So one of the first things I did was what I knew Deanna would want. I went to sorority meeting. You can see from the comments that Deanna was a majorly committed and active member of Delta Sigma Theta, our mutual sorority. Many of her closest friends were in our chapter and they all were collectively grieving the loss of a sister, too. So. After going to see Tounces and Poopdeck (which is what she would have done first) I then went to speak to our sorors in the Stone Mountain-Lithonia chapter. I was nervous that I'd start crying but my two linesisters Joy and Marra came to stand by my side and hold my hand. Joy was on my right and Marra was on my left. That made me feel strong.

I know that Deanna was smiling down at me, too. And she loved sisterly acts in the sorority so I know that seeing those two flanking her sister made her heavenly wings flap even harder.

Speaking of wings. To the soror who left the comment saying this:

"I bet she's in heaven demanding to crochet her own wings adding a bit of crimson the the mix!" 

Know that these words comforted me and brought a huge smile to my face. So thanks for that. I'm even smiling as I type that.

I also loved the words from the friend who said this:

"Instant death, instant glory!"

Yeah. 

The sorors were so full of love for my sister when I got there. It was overwhelming, but in a good way. It made me know that Tounces and Poopdeck done good. Deanna was simply awesome. Or as my friend (and soror) Psonya reminded me of how I once described my sister to her:

"Deanna = Awesome." 

Ha.

So those tears and hugs at sorority meeting just reminded me of that more. I appreciated every single one of them, too.

After that, we all just convened at Will's house and spent time as a family. Friends and family members streamed in and that was good, too.

Dad's brothers came to be with him from Birmingham. And they always bring plenty of laughs with them, so that part was good. And funny.

 

Of course, food was involved. And y'all! It's some people out there who can really cook. I know it might sound bad, but I literally may have slapped my mama over some pound cake yesterday. Is that bad? Ha ha ha.  My friend and fellow Grady doctor, Danielle J., even left us a full meal on our doorstep (which kept perfectly in the cold.) You could see the love in every container. It felt like a gigantic, pecan-crusted hug. (And Danielle, don't think that you bringing my favorite of your desserts went unnoticed. It didn't.)

I may or may not be eating some of those desserts at this very second. Mmm hmmm.

These things comforted us. And our parents, especially. But you know what? Yesterday after sorority meeting, Joy told me that I needed to hurry up and tell those kids so that I could get the kids up to my parents. She said that because she had personal experience with this kind of awful situation. She was firm because she knew first hand. Joy let me know that those grandchildren would be a comfort because they somehow have a sixth sense and know how to lift spirits in ways that we can't.

I didn't even tell the children until Saturday afternoon. But you know? It went okay. It did. And I felt this wave of comfort wash over me because I always wondered why my heart was so connected to C.J.'s mother, Davina. Remember C.J.? He was my friend's little boy who was also swiftly taken from us in November of 2008. And let me tell you--I always wondered why God convicted me so much about Davina and her walk through that grief. But now I know! It was C.J. that helped my boys through this. It was. They held his picture and talked about angels and talked about God doing things we don't understand. Like taking a child. Or a beloved auntie.

Then, Isaiah said, "Now maybe Auntie can help take care of C.J. like she helped take care of us, Mom." And that made me cry and smile at the same time because I loved that beautiful image.

"We can do a balloon for Auntie, too, okay? Like we did for C.J. and Grandaddy in heaven." That's what Zachary said. Because when we started that ritual last year--last NOVEMBER--God already knew. He knew! So He was preparing us. Aaahhh. He was.

So now I get it.

But back to those grandbabies? Man. My linesister Joy spoke a good word if anyone ever did. I'm glad I told them and got them up there with their cousins. Because she was so right. Those babies knew. They comforted at most perfect times and I swear, y'all, it was like they somehow had . . .I don't know. .  some kind of instinct that we didn't. It was perfect and good and amazing to see.

And would you believe that Zachary, Isaiah, and Gabby all asked to sleep with Grandma last night? And note that sleeping with Grandma isn't so unusual, but asking specifically to do so kind of is. 

But they knew. And so we let them. We sure did.

So really? I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for each and every single prayer, thought, tear, comment, wish, or affirmation you have had for us. Outwardly. Inwardly. Publicly. Privately. All of them. I wanted you to see how you are helping us with your own eyes. I wanted you to feel like you could put your hands on us and this is the best way I can do that. 

Plus. 

Writing here has also been my very best form of therapy. And talking to you this morning was therapeutic. Man, it was. So thanks for sitting here with me at my kitchen table in early morning light holding my hand. Thank you for listening and nodding and smiling and understanding. Because it has made a difference already. It has.

Yeah. 

You know? The kids are alright. And the kids are gonna be alright, too. We will always be the "Draper 4"--  just with one looking out for us from heaven.

And that's good, too.


***
Happy Sunday. To you all.

Now playing on my mental iPod. A song Deanna and I both love by an artist she adored. This made me so happy because Deanna always lived her life like it was GOLDEN. And she was golden, too. :)

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD."   ~  Isaiah 55:8