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| Photos by our friend and family historian, Angus Wilson with www.nileimages.com |
It's so good lovin' somebody
And somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It's the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you're the one who's got me inspired
Keep on liftin', liftin' me higher
So good, good lovin' somebody
And somebody loves you back
It's so good needin' somebody
And somebody needs you back
We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other's happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more
It's so good, good lovin' somebody
And somebody loves you back and that's a fact
It's so good wantin' somebody
And somebody wants you back
Said it's so good
Oh to be loved and be loved in return
It's the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you're the one who's got me inspired
Keep on liftin', liftin' me higher
So good lovin' somebody
And somebody loves you back and that's a fact
It's so good needin' somebody
And somebody needs you back
Said not 70-30
Not 60-40
Talkin' 'bout a 50-50 love
Said it's so good lovin' somebody
And that somebody loves you back, yeah
Said not 70-30
Not 60-40
Talkin' 'bout a 50-50 love, yeah
~ Teddy Pendergrass,
When Somebody Loves You Back
I remember sitting up talking on the phone to my sister JoLai one evening late into the night. She'd been dating this guy who was mostly nice and who was probably a decent human being from my recollection. But what mostly stands out in my memory is that too much stuff was complicated and fuzzy when it came to his actions toward my sister. Especially given the amount of time they'd been going out. So even though he was mostly nice and probably a decent human being? I'd seen enough to tell her my honest opinion when she asked.
"It shouldn't be this hard," I said. By this point, I'd lived through the sticky parts that she was tipping through in single hood. I'd finally made it to the mountain top to see the promised land of what it feels like when someone is genuinely, deeply invested in building something with you. So I knew for sure that even if a guy wasn't an assassin and even if he went to church and ran errands for his mama, that didn't excuse his indifference when it came to dealing with my sister's heart.
Nope.
And does this mean that the person is awful? No. It just means that they aren't the one. Period. End of story.
"This is too hard," I told JoLai. "There's too much to understand and too much that requires a disclaimer. You're too good for this. You deserve a man who is checking for you. And this dude isn't checking for you. Not like he should if he really wants to be with you."
And that was all I had to say. My sister knew exactly what I meant by that term. But maybe you don't, so I'll explain.
Okay. So checking for somebody means you're concerned about them and it shows through your actions. Girls around the way used to say, "Chile, please. I ain't even checking for that dude." Which meant that you weren't even giving him a second thought. (Even if that wasn't true.) Or we'd say, "Dang, nobody can say that dude isn't checking for her!" Which was a high compliment to the person whose significant other was never ambiguous about his or her allegiance to their mate.
When someone is checking for you? It isn't grey. It's pretty obvious. And no--those on the outside aren't so much the ones who should be convinced. Those in the relationship should.
Look man. The bible says it beautifully: Faith without works is dead. (James 2:17) In other words, I don't care what a person is saying-saying-saying if it is not commensurate with what they are doing-doing-doing. And especially if they don't seem particularly pressed about how I'm feeling-feeling-feeling.
Does this even make sense?
Either way, I had to bring back this old slang term for emphasis. And I'm glad I did because she got what I meant.
"You'll see. And one day, it will be super obvious."
She cried when I said that. And honestly, I'm not sure if it was because she believed it was true or because she was afraid it wasn't. My guess is probably a little bit of both.
Yeah.
Just a few months after we lost Deanna, JoLai met someone. A wonderful man named Joe. A really sweet guy with kind eyes, a tender smile, and a deep and throaty laugh so robust that it automatically made others around him laugh, too. And after those first few dates that she told me about, it was as clear as day. This dude was checking for her. Nothing about it was confusing.
Nope.
And sure. I know that there are relationships that start off lumpy and bumpy and then smooth out. I get it that people evolve into things sometimes, too. But I admit that I'm a real subscriber to the Malcolm Gladwell "Blink" theory when it comes to people. That is, almost always, your immediate discernment is spot on. And as I look back on my own unlucky dating history before Harry, I know that had I just gone with what I felt very early on about my interactions, I'd have saved myself a lot of grief.
Yup.
This man was checking for my sister. Right out of the gates he was. And not in a creepy way either. Just in a way that suggests deep interest and desire to grow this thing into something more. Not layer upon layer of excuses or what-had-happen explanations. Just actions that speak for themselves.
Yep.
So it evolved and continued. Until it exploded into this wonderful partnership and love.
"I know what you mean now," JoLai said. "This is what it is supposed to feel like."
And I replied, "Yes. Yes. Yes."
Early this year, Joe asked JoLai to marry him. And she said yes.
He even asked this guy first.
Yep.
Last week, on a Thursday actually, our immediate family stood around them in an intimate circle as they spoke heartfelt vows to one another. All of our feet bare in Florida gulf coast sands under the canvas of a near setting sun. My brother singing, one of our best friends as the officiant, and nieces and nephew there to lay down a broom for them to jump at the end.
God, it was perfect. So perfect.
And easy. Easy. Because it doesn't have to be that hard. Not when somebody is truly checking for you.
Nope.
Now sure. Life is complicated when you're grown. But not the kind of complicated that should excuse someone from their convoluted reasons for not calling you back or where they seem unsure about spending time with you or defining the relationship. No ma'm and no sir.
Sweet Joe, my sister's new husband, was once married before meeting JoLai. From his first marriage came two beautiful children, both in middle school. And yes, this, a blended family, will be a process that they'll all work at together. Which is perfectly reasonable and normal.
Because, again, life is complicated when you're grown ass people.
But what isn't okay is ignoring what is obvious just to not be alone. Sitting up trying to convince yourself that it's just fine for someone to act like they aren't hungry for you to be in their life and to have your presence. And I use the word hungry because I liken it to when someone offers me food when I'm not feeling rumbly in my tumbly.
Which is:
"Meh. I guess I could eat."
And that? That is how a lot of people treat hearts and love. Like "Meh. I guess I could eat." Take it or leave it. Either way, I'll live.
And OH, I wish I had time to talk to somebody about how even eating a little of what you don't really want just spoils your appetite for what you do want.
Or just makes you overeat.
Whew! Preach, pastor!
I mean, I would talk about that if I had time. I sure would. But I don't. So I won't.
Mmmm hmmm.
So yes. JoLai is now married to a man who is checking for her. And you know what? She's checking for him, too. And we could not be happier for them.
Doesn't she just shine?
And you know what? It rained cats and dogs that morning and the night before. Then the sun just opened up and burst through those clouds. Which was special since that is exactly what happened 22 years ago on Will's wedding day and exactly what happened 11 years ago on my wedding day.
We decided that it's good luck. And that that downpour was just Deanna's tears of joy and that thunder and lightning was just her letting us know she was sho' nuf' there.
We got the message, Deanna. Ha.
JoLai reminded me of the words the BHE spoke several years ago when talking about finding the right person:
"Look man. You open the door and it's either sunshine or it's not. It doesn't take all day to figure it out. It's either sunshine or it's not."
Which is so very true, don't you think?
Anyways. Damn, it was beautiful. Every single second of it. It was.
Sigh.
You know? I doubt I can think of a more deserving soul of true love than JoLai. But my guess is that somebody reading this is just as deserving but I just haven't met you yet. Or worse, you just don't realize that you're deserving. So today I'm sharing that word I spoke to her with whomever needs it.
It shouldn't be that hard. And it's either sunshine or it's not. And we all deserve sunshine. You included.
Yeah.
And look. This is a testimony. It is. JoLai's story and my own. Neither of us were lucky in love. But we were always deserving of something special and true. If it happened for us? It could happen for anyone willing to love themselves enough to expect someone to be checking for them.
Yup.
I'll leave you with the song that's playing on my mental iPod. Mr. Teddy Pendergrass sings the ultimate song about how awesome it is to be mutually checking for each other.
So good, good lovin' somebody
And somebody loves you back
It's so good needin' somebody
And somebody needs you back.
True dat.
If you actually have a true love, savor it. And if you've been slacking off at checking for that love of yours. . . and we all slack off sometimes. . . ..just vow to do better, okay? Because it's so good, loving somebody when somebody loves you back.
And that's a fact.
***
Happy Nuptials.
Preach, Mr. Pendergrass.
