"Due to inclement weather, your kids' school will be closed for the second day in a row."
Maaaaan, I'm calling the automated message line back and leaving a message that says, "Due to the fact that I am very impatient and also have a whole bunch of stuff to do, I'm bringing my kids up there whether y'all like it or not."
Something tells me that this wouldn't go over so well. Ha.
Feeling sort of random so if you have anything remotely important to do, please stop reading here. I'm serious. This will do nothing to enhance your brain. But then again, sometimes things like that are welcomed aren't they? Yes indeed.
So let's see. Where to start? Oh, this:
Why is it that I am so, so annoyed with The Duggars family -- you know, the ones with the 19 children -- but paradoxically intrigued by the happenings of their family when shared in People magazine? So now the little Duggars are having babies and getting married. On the cover of my very important literature (People) is the one who just got married and the whole story is about her and her new husband.
Yeah, so they didn't even kiss before they got married. And when they did kiss, they went and did it in private. So yeah, that was interesting. Man. That's kind of impressive to hold out on kissing. Being a bad kisser is SUCH a deal breaker, man. I'm glad it worked out for them. Or that it at least appears to be.
What next? Got to see one of my favorite former students a few weeks ago. It was so awesome. It never gets old to me when folks come back to town and call me to meet up. Kevin will always be one of my absolute favorites. He made me a better teacher and physician for sure.
Ha ha ha . . . I posted this on Facebook. . . this super romantic looking picture of the BHE and me from Valentine's day.
Followed by this next snap of our kids who were ON OUR DATE with us.
Funny how romantically perfect social media can make things and people look, right?
Yawn. What else? Oh yeah. Speaking of people not even being perfect. . . I got what I deserved yesterday. Have I told you guys about my tendency to silently judge peoples' grocery baskets? OMG. I do it. I try to keep my face all straight as they put stuff on the belt but deep inside I'm all like, "GIRRRRRRL!!! CUP O'NOODLES???" or "Do you have any idea how fattening prime rib is? Sir? Do you?"
Especially if they're in work out clothes. Which for some reason they usually are.
Now. This is completely independent of my own Cap'n Crunch, Hebrew National hot dogs, Eggo waffles and lemonade. I told you already--I judge THEIR baskets. There are perfectly good excuses for every bit of high fructose corn syrup and refined sugar in MY basket.
So yeah. Yesterday I'm standing in line behind this lady who had on, of course, work out gear. Now me, I'm getting fake snow day staples like bread, milk and Reddi Whip whip cream. This woman starts pulling all kinds of stuff out of her buggy. Extra buttery microwave popcorn, Oreo double stuff cookies, fish sticks, a thousand different frozen meals, some Digiorno's pizza, a Graeter's ice cream, and like three or four packages of Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits.
So I squint my eyes and try not to give a "chile please" smirk. And I secretly think she caught me doing the side eye so I tried to look all happy and sweet which, I think, worked for like two minutes.
So she pays for her stuff and keeps it pushing. And I start checking out while watching her leave thinking, "That microwave popcorn is the devil." That is the devil in who will make you not be able to fit your Prada.
So the person behind me starts putting their stuff up there. And this person was all UBER granola. Like every single thing was terrifyingly organic. Oh, did I tell you? My buggy judgement is on both sides of the pendulum. I hate on the unhealthy shoppers and equally hate on the super-duper healthy ones. Ha ha ha.
So yeah. This couple had a little kid in the front seat and she looked to be about four or five. And I am just looking and thinking, "That poor child. She is thinking, 'Can a kid just get a bag of damn Cheetos up in here?'" And OMG they even had some of those fake meat hot dogs and burgers.
So yeah. In the midst of me sizing up everybody in Kroger and their pantry selections, the time comes for me to pay.
"Debit or credit?" the kind lady asks me.
"Either is fine!" I chirp back.
But then I discover that my wallet is in my other purse. And that I have no cash.
So guess who had to be THAT CHICK who pushes her buggy to the side and vehemently apologizes? Uhhh, that would be me. And when I said, "Can you leave this right here while I run home to get my wallet?" I am 100% that little girl in the cart behind me curled her lips and gave me this expression.
Which was really what I sort of deserved.
Sort of, not fully.
Hmmmph. That's why all she gets for snacks is celery and she doesn't know what a Pop Tart even IS. See? Aren't I mature?
What else? Oh. I remembered more slang when I was in the hair salon yesterday. The first is this: "In a bad way." This is when somebody wants to do something but it isn't going to work out. The person who says this is usually making it clear that they can't help nor will they with whatever said situation is.
For example. Just yesterday while my hairstylist was on the phone speaking with a client who was talking so loud that I could hear everything from the chair:
"Sakinah! I got stuck at work. Can I still come?"
"Oh, boo, I'm getting ready to go after Kim. You were supposed to be here two hours ago."
"I know! Please, please, please!"
"You in a bad way. I can take you Friday but not today."
And that was that.
Here's another: "You tripped."
That means you made the wrong decision and now you are regretting it. Or someone else made a bad decision and you are talking about them making the wrong decision. Ha ha ha.
"Jessica Simpson blew up after she got divorced from Nick Lachey. Her shoe and clothing business makes millions, man."
"Yeah. He tripped."
Whoops. That reminds me. "Blew up" does not refer to her weight. It refers to somebody succeeding financially or professionally.
"Girl, I start my new job next week. I'm 'bout to blow up."
"That's what's up, girl!"
Ha ha ha. Did y'all know those?
Here's one more which is so ridiculous but a regular piece of the vernacular: "Smelling yourself."
This describes when a person gets cocky either because they've grown a bit older or maybe that they've recently blown up. Ha. Maybe it has to do with hormones? Hmmm. Hell if I know. Here's an example.
"My son has lost his mind. He had the nerve to talk back to me last night."
"Really girl? What's that about?"
"I guess since he's a senior in high school he's smelling himself or something. I sure took those car keys though."
"Ha ha ha, he tripped!"
"Yeah and when he started looking all sad since he had a date planned I told him, 'Bruh, you in a bad way. You should've thought about that before you started talking crazy.'"
That reminds me. I may or may not have schlepped my children with me to the hair salon on fake snow day #1. And there may or may not have been at least three other children there with their moms on their fake snow days, too.
Ummm let's see. What else? Have you guys ever tried flavored balsamic vinegars and olive oils? I'm obsessed with them right now. So delicious. And low in sugar. The oils make your whole house smell amazing. Just ran out of my garlic flavored olive oil from Atlanta Olive Oil Company.
Must. Get. More.
Speaking of which: My grandmother on my mom's side once told me that if I wanted to be a good wife and have my husband come home to delicious smells in the home here's the trick: Just sauté some onions in a little oil. No matter what leftovers you're serving, the house smells like you are wife of the year. Hand over heart she told me that.
"So you just sauté onions no matter what you're cooking?"
"Yep. Especially when it's just leftovers."
"What if he sees the onions?"
"Oh, you put those up. Or dump them in the leftovers."
Yes. This was what my grandma told me and quietly, it is genius advice. That woman had a college degree in Home Economics and knew all the tricks of the trade. She was also married for longer than I've been alive.
So get you some onions at your local Kroger when you go. And some Reddi Whip.
OH and last but not least. SPEAKING OF KROGER. . . Y'all. Y'ALL!!! Did you know that in Atlanta they name all the in-town Kroger stores with nicknames? OMG. So funny. Okay, so check it. I'm talking to one of my residents who is trying to tell me where he was the day before on his off day. And as he is describing the restaurant he then says, "You know, right by Murder Kroger."
And me, I'm like WHAAAAT???
So it turns out that everyone knew this but me. Soooo. . .there's Murder Kroger in Fourth Ward/Downtown, Disco Kroger in Buckhead, Kosher Kroger in Toco Hills, Baby Kroger in Downtown Decatur and Hipster Kroger in East Atlanta. How funny is that?
Yawn. I think that's all I've got for today. That and just a little more Stefon who is, in my opinion, SNL's funniest characters of all time.
Okay. That's it really. Thanks for wasting good time with me.
Happy Fake Snow Day to all. I hope you don't get hit by a fake snowball.